In the months since I miscarried, I've endured a lot of emotional ups and downs.
I've tried to keep my pain hidden; for the sake of those around me.
Let's face it; grief is uncomfortable for people to deal with.
I knew that although the wound was still fresh to me, others had moved on and had possibly even forgot about my miscarriage.
In the last few days things had been especially difficult for me.
Since that day in March, 3 of my friends have had beautiful, healthy babies.
It doesn't hurt at all to see them or hold them.
It doesn't hurt to rejoice with my friends and celebrate their happiness.
It hurts when I lay my hand on my own belly that should be well with child.
It hurts when I think of this coming September, and the excitement I felt at the thought of yet again giving birth.
It hurts when Canaan remembers and touches my stomach and says, "Is the baby in there?"
But today....it doesn't hurt.
Today my heart is overjoyed at the reality of it all.
I was reading in this book "The Shack" today, and ever since I picked it up, it has changed my life piece by piece. You see, my love language is WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. I am most moved when people take the time to tell me in detail why they care about me, or what they see in me, or how much they love me. And this book is like one, giant, love letter to me from God. It is changing me. And today I even felt his love heal me.
In this story, a man loses his youngest daughter to a heinous crime. It rips through him like a saw, and puts a rift between him and God. Somehow (you'll have to read the book to find out how), he has this amazing encounter with God, and as God begins to reveal himself to this man, he is changed and restored. In this particular passage this man has a chance to see his daughter, and although he cannot touch her, he weeps with joy at this sight.....
"Just then someone called Missy's name and Mack recognized the voice. She shrieked with delight and started to run....Abruptly she stopped and ran back to her daddy. She made a big embrace as if she were hugging him and, with eyes closed, overexaggerated a kiss. From the barrier he hugged her back...........
And now Mack could clearly see the voice that had called his Missy. It was Jesus....Without hesitation Missy leaped into his arms.....The voicing of their joy was a symphony to Mack's ears, and as he watched, his tears flowed freely."
A few days after the miscarriage I had a dream of my son. He had the biggest black, curly locks, and large bright eyes. His skin was the color of copper. He was running in a field of what looked like tall grass and daisies. He kept turning back to smile at me, and I even heard him laugh.
Now...to read this passage , and to recall that dream, I now understand.
I may have never experienced the joy of being his mother here on this earth. But I never "lost " him.
My son, My Christian is LITERALLY with Jesus. I mean, how much more could I ask for? He'll never taste of the pain this world sometimes brings. All he knows is the joy of being loved by Jesus.
Yes, I am crying.
Yes, I miss him deeply.
But my heart is full of joy knowing that Jesus knows my pain and grief,
and he does not judge me for it, or wish that I'd get over it.
But instead, he gave me a glimpse of his love today.
My Christian is with Jesus.
