I'm in a strange place with God.
I respect Him, reverence Him, and acknowledge His Word as sacred.
But more than religion
more than His character
more than a scripture or promise
I long for HIM.
The only true and living God.
The one who was so lovesick over me he sent His son Jesus to shed blood on a cross.
I long for HIM.
Since the miscarriage, it seems my senses have been heightened.
I'm realizing there's a whirlwind of warfare around us.
So much so that the other day i was walking and I heard myself asking God to "find a way to get to me. Through all the mess. all the darkness. all the things hiding that I can't even see. Send your love. Send your peace. Find a way to get to me. "
When I woke up yesterday morning, I made it my intention to spend as much time with God as possible.
I'd been out of town for a few days which meant Canaan wanted all my attention.
We played with his trains.
We read stories.
We watched Word World.
We cuddled.
We played basketball.
And all the while, I longed for time alone with my savior.
I thought of all the things I wanted to say to Him.
I had so much to thank Him for.....
so much to confess....
so much to ask for....
my mind was filled with words and expressions...
my heart was filled with anticipation...
I could barely be still.
Finally,
I was able to settle Canaan down with a snack and a video.
I snuck away to take a shower, smiling all the way, knowing I would have the chance to talk to God.
As the water began to pour out over me, I opened my mouth to acknowledge God, and there He was...before the words even left my lips...before I told him what a wreck I was, and how much I needed Him...he was there, and he said to me....
"You're beautiful."
I wept, and I smiled.
He was worth the wait.
