Kelli. in real life

I Wish I could Be There......

This is my L.A. sister.
Today marks a culmination of lessons learned, trials overcome, and a birthing of a "new thing" in Christ for her.
Today is her ministerial ordination.

I wish desperately to be there to celebrate this achievement with her today; but finances and other commitments wouldn't allow me.

But I am SO proud.

I type this with tears streaming down my face as I thank God for bringing my sister into my life. People are often amazed when they find out we've only been close friends for a year or so. The sovereignty of God literally brought us together as friends, intercessors, and carriers of the gospel.

My sister was the only person, (outside of my husband) who I could bring myself to talk to the day I lost my baby. After miscarrying here at home I felt unstable and delirious. I needed something I could lean on, something solid, and she was there.

I cried uncontrollably that day. And she listened.
My speech was fragmented. And she listened.
My mind was scattered. And she listened.
She was just what I needed.
When she finally did speak I felt the love of God penetrate my heart, and I knew He hadn't left me.

Today, I wish I could be there just to listen.
Listen to the charge and challenge she is given; to preach the gospel in and out of season, to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, to live a sober life, to teach the younger women, to uphold the standard of holy living presented to us by the scriptures.
And when I finally would speak, I'd say this......

Although you are a gift to me; it is now time for the world to experience that gift. Before you were even born, Christ predestined you; to carry the gospel to the nations; to carry the song of the Lord,; to lay hands on the sick and watch them recover; and to prepare the way of the Lord. Your perseverance, and commitment to ministry has challenged me to be a better Christian. I pray that today you feel the overwhelming embrace of God's love as you are elevated to another level in ministry. You'll never know how much I appreciate you.

From the Heart,

Kel

This is me in real life, Kelli.

I love my Bible

THIS is my bible.

Its a Trimline bible written in the English Standard Version translation.

I'm a King James girl. I like to read NLV (new living translation) and the message from time to time to really get a broken down idea of the scriptures. But when it comes to studying and memorizing, I stick with King James. That is until I found the ESV translation. Here's a bit about it from esv.org

"The ESV is an “essentially literal” translation that seeks as far as possible to capture the precise wording of the original text and the personal style of each Bible writer. As such, its emphasis is on “word-for-word” correspondence, at the same time taking into account differences of grammar, syntax, and idiom between current literary English and the original languages. Thus it seeks to be transparent to the original text, letting the reader see as directly as possible the structure and meaning of the original.

As an essentially literal translation, then, the ESV seeks to carry over every possible nuance of meaning in the original words of Scripture into our own language. As such, it is ideally suited for in-depth study of the Bible. Indeed, with its emphasis on literary excellence, the ESV is equally suited for public reading and preaching, for private reading and reflection, for both academic and devotional study, and for Scripture memorization."

I have fallen in love with this translation, and it's helped to take my studying to a deeper level.

What version of the bible do you read?

Confession of Faith

Do you remember when you made your confession of faith?

.....when you accepted Jesus , did you accept Him as your "personal" savior and Lord?

I did.

That's my favorite part.

He's my PERSONAL savior and Lord.

You know how some people have 2 and 3 phone numbers and emails......

Two for business and then a PERSONAL email or voicemail box?

Yeah...I mean like that.

This isn't a business venture.

This is personal.

I love the fact that although my God is Holy, completely worthy and perfect, incredible, radiant, amazing, and omnipotent....

He's personal.

He's been dealing with me in such a "personal" way.

Not just a cookie cutter process of deliverance or being saved, but designed and packaged just for me.

In a world where so many people are too selfish to take the time to change their attitude, delivery, response, or activities, based on the needs of those they claim to love.....I feel so cherished to know that no matter how many prayers he's answering, how many souls he's saving, how many sins he's forgiving, how many bodies he's healing, how many demons he's causing to tremble....He is NEVER too busy for me.

I'm so blessed to KNOW him as MY personal Jesus.

Do you know Him?

This is me.in real life. KELLI

Why, Kelli; in real life?

As far as I can tell, there are only a few people that stop through this blog on a regular basis.
By a few , I mean a handful.

That's really ok with me.

I write because it gives me clarity, and if it touches someone else in the process, then wonderful!

For those of you who don't know me personally, my name is Kelli.
I live in Michigan with my husband and toddler son.
I work part time as a child center supervisor.
But my heart's desire is to live a life of ministry driven work and purpose.

I grew up in "church"; gave my life to Christ at the age of 10. But I didn't really come to know him until I went to college, and even more so in the last 5-7 years.

I am a worship leader.
(Just writing that makes me cringe...more on that later)

I am a psalmist.

I am a teacher.

I am a mentor.

I am a songwriter.

I am a worshiper.

I am an intercessor.

I am a lionness; a warrior in battle.

Many people know me as background vocalist singing for the likes of these people....

I absolutely LOVE singing background.
But since having my son in 2006, my travels have slowed down a bit, and I travel much less than I used to.

Last December, I turned 30.
In the days and months leading up to my birthday I felt a huge sense of anticipation. I felt like my turning 30 represented a new walk with Christ, another lever of faith and maturity, and an understanding of my purpose in life.

I had no idea that what was lying ahead of me were the most difficult times and trials I have ever experienced.

One of them being the loss of my 2nd son at 12 weeks gestation, in early March.
I miscarried and delivered here at home.

Amongst other trials, these last 6 months have been extremely stressful and trying for me and my family.

our faith has been tested in ways it has never been before.

After the miscarriage, I took down my myspace page. It was filled with pictures, music, and blogs from my travels and experiences as a background vocalist. I felt that for too long I had hidden behind an "image" that people had of me, and I wanted to be transparent.

God has blessed me with numerous gifts.
But I am not those gifts.
I am a human. A woman.
I struggle daily with doubt, condemnation, trust, and resentment.
I too often hurt those I love the most.
I know the bible well, but I have a hard time applying it to my own life.
I have a hard time believing that God can and does love me amidst my flaws and faults.

This is the real me.

I took this picture about a week after my miscarriage. I had gone to see a movie alone, and afterwards I sat in my car and cried like a baby. I had never been so confused, so hurt, so lost in my life. I felt like the world was caving in on me.
I couldn't talk to my husband about it. I couldnt talk to my parents. My sister was busy and couldn't talk. My friends were all busy with their families and activities.

It was me and God. In my car. In the rain.

And I wept.

Often times, we look through peoples pictures, at their blogs, family videos, or we see them on a stage...and we forget that they are REAL.

My life is real.

The pain I have felt, and am feeling is real.

But you know why I'm still living?

Because so is God.

God is real.

His love is real.

His forgiveness is real.

His peace is real.

His power is real.

God is real.

And one day....one day soon; I'll be able to tell the story of how I got over myself, and believed God.

I'll be able to tell the story of how I went from the battle to victory.

I'll tell you the story of how I went from singing out of desperation to singing out of triumph and release.

This is me.

This is Kelli.....in real life.

Friendship with Jesus

I grew up in a small Apostolic church.
Our pastor was a short, God-fearing woman who not only preached every Sunday, but served as the pianist for the church as well. Every week before preaching, she would break out into song; usually a hymn, and then walk to the pulpit and preach. I'm reminded of one song in particular that she used to sing a lot.

"Friendship with Jesus, fellowship divine
Oh what blessed sweet, communion!
Jesus is a friend of mine. "

(written by Joseph C. Ludgate/arranged by Stephen C. Foster)

As a child, I couldn't understand what the words to this song meant. In my mind communion meant the eating and drinking of wafers and grape juice, and had nothing to do with Jesus at all.

But this morning, as I made my son's breakfast, and started brewing coffee, this song came back to my remembrance, and it welled up in my spirit.

Biologically, I'm an only child.
Therefore, friendship has always played an important part in my life. My mother often said I got too attached to people too quickly as a child, and often got my feelings hurt very easily because of it.

Even as an adult, I cherish my close friends and enjoy spending time with them as much as possible.

Some of my friends are great for listening. I can talk to them about anything, and they just listen closely; only offering advice when asked for it.
There are others who I can laugh with. The simplest and silliest things will have us laughing for hours on end.
A few of them I can worship and pray with. Whether on the platform at church as part of the worship team, or in an email filled with encouraging words and scriptures, I find it quite refreshing to be able to go before God with those in my inner circle.

I thought of my friends and how dear they are to me.

But for once in my life, I can say with truth and honesty......

There is no friendship I desire more than my friendship with Jesus.

I have never experienced such deep pain, hurt, confusion, and rejection as I have in the last few months. I've often felt like the very life of me was being drained out little by little, leaving me gray and lifeless.
But it has been Gods refreshing love, and his gentle touch that has brought me peace when all around me was dark and unknown.

Even today; it is not that our situation has changed.

There are still many prayers we've laid at the altar.....and there are still answers we seek.

But God's presence is so near, so sweet, so precious.

In spite of the trials life has thrown at me and my family recently, I hold this truth close to my heart.

I AM A FRIEND OF GOD.

And now those words that meant nothing to me as a child, mean everything.

Friendship with Jesus truly is FELLOWSHIP DIVINE.

The Cave of Adullam

(Originally written March 25, 2008~2 weeks after the miscarriage of my second child)

I sit in a place I’ve never been before.
It’s somewhat cold...
empty...
a little damp....
and the air is filled with the scent of uncertainty.

But amidst this mysterious place,
this pensive circumstance,
the haunting cloud of loss that sometimes looms over,
and the deafening sound of my own tears and weeping,

I have found refuge......
like David....
in this cave I call Adullam.

David ran to this cave to escape the chase of Saul,
but found in the midst of great discouragement, that God would truly develop his character, and imprint his heart to be like the Heart of God...
there in a dark cave...
as he waited...and prayed....and cried.

"Lord, I cry out to you. I say, "You are my protection. You are all I want in this life."
Listen to my cry, because I am helpless. " (Psalm 142 : 5-6a) NCV

After the loss of our precious child whom we’ve named "Christian"...I have often felt like David. At times I’ve felt misery and deep sadness as a part of me has died. And other times I’ve felt strengthened by the overwhelming power of God’s presence and grace, that has lifted my spirits and encouraged my heart.

I will never forget the moments that passed as I held the once living fetus, my child, in my hands.
I will never forget the frighteningly beautiful sense of peace that overcame me, as I spoke out loud, and after crying, finally released Christian’s soul into the hands of our gracious Father.
I will never forget the look on Canaan’s face when he asked, "Where’s the baby?" And Ben and I explained to him that the baby had gone back to heaven to live with Jesus.
"With Jesus", he asked?
With tears in our eyes, we answered, "Yes, with Jesus."

In recent days, I’ve attempted to merge into society, and day by day return to somewhat of a routine.
I find it somewhat exhausting.
Trying to act as though all is well, and my heart doesn’t still ache every day and night.

And no matter how I’ve smiled,
laughed,
conversed...
I long to be back in that quiet place of solace and refuge.

Where I can be one with my Savior....
no need to explain my hurt....
no need to apologize for crying.....
no need to say anything....
I can just be....
in His presence....
in His peace.....
in His love....
in Him. ....
in the place I know to be the secret place.....

The cave of Adullam.

And when the time comes
and I must once again face the world.....
I will not....cannot...ever be the same.

For this heart...touched with profound loss and sadness
will have also been touched by the astounding power of God’s love...
in a manner it’s never experienced before.
And again.....true and perfect love...will have cast out fear.