Kelli. in real life

I'm Back

Hi there everyone!
I'm back from a much needed vacation.
I spent some time with my L.A. sister relaxing, shopping, laughing, and learning alot about myself.
Thanks to each of you who whispered a word of prayer or thought of me during my time away.
I have lots to share with you, and I look forward to getting back into the "groove" of blogging sometime this week.

I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed myself. Don't tell my sister, but I cried a little bit on the plane coming home. But OH THE JOY that overwhelmed when I heard my son yell "That's my MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMYYYYY" as I came out of the airport, and how loved I feel to have spent time gazing into my husbands eyes the last few hours, and hearing how much he missed me and loves me.

I feel refreshed, excited, and grateful to God for the time away, but even moreso....for a place to call HOME.

Soon,

Kelli, in real life

Just another Manic Monday

I woke up this morning in a BAD mood. I was in the midst of a misunderstanding with a dear friend, and the whole thing has exhausted me emotionally. I HATE to be misunderstood, and I HATE to know that I have not taken the time or energy necessary to truly understand someone.
I felt bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness rising up in me, instead of the love I had asked God to stir up within me. All these self-centered emotions tried to overtake my mind, and fighting them left me mentally tired.

If that weren't enough, one of my childhood friends gave birth to a beautiful baby boy today. I was thrilled for her and her husband. But my heart was grieving as well. Our due dates were 2 weeks apart. The birth of her 2nd son reminded me that I had lost my 2nd son in March. Today, I would've been 38 weeks pregnant. I would've been round, irritable, disgustingly hot and uncomfortable, and I would've been so happy to be that way. It was a bittersweet moment; thanking God for bringing baby Nathaniel into this world safely; but also asking God to continue to comfort me in the loss of my son Christian.

By this evening when my friend called, I was a wreck. It was only the grace of God that we were able to plow through our differences and come to a resolve. Granted it, neither one of us agreed with the other's perception; nevertheless we came to a resolve.

Its been a rough day for me. But somewhere someone didn't have anything to eat. Somewhere a person lost their job. Somewhere a person was physically abused by a spouse or significant other. Someone died today.

And here I am...
with a roof over my head
a job
a beautiful son
a loving husband
just enough food in the fridge
and Im alive.

Thank you God for bringing me through this day. I couldn't have made it without you

Homebody or Social Butterfly???

The last 2 weeks or so, I've been putting in some extra hours at work. We've got a few things coming up that require a little extra money. Instead of expecting my husband to "hand it all over', I've been doing what I can to bring in some extra revenue so we can move(in a few weeks), get some new furniture (thank God), and I'm supposed to go away with a friend for a week. (yay for mommy!)

In my free time, I've noticed I've been out and about more than usual. I'm normally the type that likes to be at home, curled up in front of the tv or reading a book; just relaxing and being quiet. (Well as quiet as quiet can be with a 2 year old).

Lately, I've been meeting up with friends for coffee, going to the movies, having playdates, or just venturing out on my own more often. It's not that I'm a shy person (the thought of me being shy is hilarious), nor am I quite the loner. But the truth is, I actually don't mind being a lone. Biologically, I'm an only child, so I'm used to entertaining myself.

What I've noticed is that the last 2 weeks have been emotional and filled with lots of ups and downs. Some of those "downs" are still kind of "up" in the air. There's been death, overdue bills, misunderstandings with loved ones, etc. Both my husband and I have sort of "taken turns" finding outlets to keep us sane. He's been playing at gigs, and indulging in a few rock band challenges with some friends. I've had more "coffee and/or movie" dates more than ever. And together as a couple, we've enjoyed fellowship with other christian couples.

It's a weird season in our lives, but both us have found strength by managing our time well, communicating honestly, and having some good, healthy fun.

How about you? When life throw's you a curve ball do you tend to stay home, or do you come out of your cocoon and socialize to keep your mind off things?

I CRAM to understand you

This is MC Lyte.
I was first introduced to rap music by sneaking into my older cousins room when some of his friends were visiting. The "boom box" was up on his dresser drawer, and he and his friends were break dancing in the middle of the floor. I couldn't understand any of the lyrics except these...J-just like a test I cram to understand you. From that day on, I wanted to be like MC Lyte. I saved up my allowance to sneak and buy one of her tapes (parental advisory stamped boldly across the front cover). My parents listened to some secular music like Michael McDonald, Patti Labelle, Phil Collins, and Anita Baker,but as for me, I was only allowed to listen to gospel or christian music until I was about 15.

I knew nothing about the "ghetto" or "BROOKLYN" or this random guy named "sam" that she talked about, but something about her music was so cool to me.

**I have to say that as a teenager I did not know MC Lyte was a lesbian. Had I have known that I'm sure I would've chosen someone else to "be like".******

Today, I was thinking about a situation I've recently found myself in with someone I hold dear to my heart. A misunderstanding caused a rift between us, and naturally I've taken sometime to reflect on my own actions and thoughts. For some odd reason this rap kept coming in my mind.

J-just like a test...j-just like a test, j-just like a test, I CRAM TO UNDERSTAND YOU.

Do you remember what it was like to CRAM for a test? You stayed up the night before a test you weren't prepared for trying to shove all the information you possibly could into your brain. I can recall cramming so much once that I just broke into tears, because I realized there was no way I was going to remember all the information necessary to pass the test.

I thought about relationships in general, and how each of us is created with different "wiring" if you will. Likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, talents and strengths, problems and issues. Yet, when we "relate" to someone; that means there is a common thread somewhere that knits us together, and holds us close to one another.

In order for me to "relate" to those I love communication, understanding, and honesty play huge parts. I can't expect for someone to read my mind and know how I feel unless I tell them. I can't expect for an issue to be truly resolved unless clarity is brought through conversation. I can't claim that I love someone and lie to them about the things they need to change and vice versa.

I reflect on this song in such a random way. We are all God's creation but we are constantly evolving. Life's lessons cause us to grow, mature, and change on a regular basis. Sometimes we need to step back from ourselves, and take the time to "CRAM TO UNDERSTAND" those we care about. It's not about convenience, or even what we "feel like" necessarily. Commitment....relationship....love is about unselfishness.

I've been told I love hard. I'd lay down my life for someone I consider my "family". That sometimes leave's me in a vulnerable place, and I often get hurt by those who take advantage of me. But this is me. Sappy, sentimental, loyal, forgiving, straightforward, but gentle. I can't be anyone but myself.

And tonight as I reflect on those I am committed to , I can make this promise, in spite of the hurt I may feel.
Just like a test.......I CRAM TO UNDERSTAND YOU....and this is one test, Im determined to pass.

This is me, Kelli, in real life.

Here's My Hand

My friends are very important to me.
I've got associates, acquaintances, church family, friends and family.
Most of my closest friends are considered a part of my family.

A few years ago , I moved to Michigan and was separated from some of my closest and dearest friends that I was used to seeing on a daily basis. Now I've got close friends here, and close friends miles away. But I love that no distance and no familiarity changes the connection between us.

One of my dearest friends is hurting emotionally. She's a strong individual, and her faith in God is solid. But we're all human, and when disappointments come it's natural for us to hurt.

On Friday before I even knew what was going on in detail with my friend; I began to weep and call our her name in prayer. It was less than an hour later that I understood why I had felt such a burden for her.

Friendship is one of the most precious types of relationships God has gifted us with. While marriage brings about a connection of romance, sexual intimacy, and the building of a family; even a marriage is quite fragile with out the two individuals ( man and a woman) first being FRIENDS. Friendship is the ability to let down your guard and allow a person to take up space in your heart; the ability to laugh together, cry together, hurt one another, forgive one another, believe in each other, and remain committed without any paperwork or ceremony.

Today I just wish I could hold my dear friends hand as a point of contact.

I'd stand right by her side without inhibition. I'd allow the pure and untainted love of God to flow through me, as I held her hand; saying nothing; just there to be there.

Sometimes no words can heal us like the sense of touch can.

Sometimes we can't even find the words to describe the emotions we feel.

But "touch" transcends even words and feelings.

I just wish I was there to hold her hand like little girls do when they're finished playing dolls, or skipping down a path, or just glad to see one another.

I'd hold her hand, and let her know...."Everything is going to be alright. But until it is.....I'm right here."

When I Grow Up

I'm 30 years old.
I don't mind saying it because I'm proud to be 30.
God has brought some dreams of mine to pass in these 30 years, and in spite of the things I've gone through and lost, I'd say I've had a good life so far.

But in a few months, I'll be 31.

I don't want to be the same person I was at 30.

I want to be better.
smarter.
nicer.
closer to fulfilling my purpose.

In my lifetime, I've always had someone to sort of "root me on".

My 2nd grade choir director (Mr Shepherd) cried when I sang. "I can't believe your in 2nd grade, and you know how to control your vibrato." I had absolutely no idea what vibrato was, or how I "magically" controlled it. But his encouragement caused me to look deeper into music theory.

In 8th grade my choral director (Mrs. Jingle) gave me a good talking to before I went to high school. She told me I was one of the most talented kids she'd ever taught. But high school was going to be a lot harder work than junior high. She told me to take care of my voice, and study hard, and maybe I'd get a vocal scholarship to college.

My freshman year my choral director (Mrs. Garrett) told me I had amazing talent. But I lacked discipline and determination. For all four years of high school she was terribly hard on me. But I learned how to control my vocal abilities, and how to discipline my voice to do what I wanted it to do when singing.

While in college, I started a worship group called Latter Rain. It was through our singing engagements that I met "Mama K", and ended up traveling with her as an armorbearer. I got a first hand look at what it meant to be a woman in ministry. Other women like Evangelist LaNita Jackson, First Lady Moore, and Dr. Bevery Jackson, passed on tidbits of knowledge and wisdom, grooming me for the ministry I would one day walk in myself. There were hardships, misunderstandings, and hurts I endured. But I love these women dearly,a nd treasure all that they taught me through word and deed.

Since I've been here in Michigan I've entered the gospel music industry, and Ive traveled the world as a background vocalist with artists who have sold out to the cause of Christ. Deitrick taught me the business, Dorinda taught me the ministry, and vanessa has taught me the "protocol" of the music industry.

It's been about 3 years since I've been without a mentor in my life. It's been a hard 3 years; learning and deciphering things for myself. After my miscarriage in March I yearned desperately for a woman to teach me how to go through the grief and eventually overcome it. As I search deep within myself and strive to get rid of those things that hinder me from being the wife, mother, and woman God called me to be; I long for a mentor to walk me through the process.

I'm thankful that until God places that mentor in my life, he has given me women in the faith like judifree, jennicatron, brandiandboys, and smiling sally; who have blogs I can venture to and leave encouraged, convicted, and challenged.

When I grow up, I want to be a woman who has felt the sting of an open wound, but has allowed a God who is all powerful to close those wounds and heal them.

When I grow up, I want to be a woman who is not afraid to get real with teenage girls who are confronted with sex, drugs, gossip, bulimia, and other things.

When I grow up, I want to be a wife who "fights' for her husband and marriage in spite of her own feelings. I want to be the one to hold up my husbands arms in the heat of battle, and intercede until victory is one.

When I grow up, I want to be a mother who speaks life into her children; teaches them the Word daily, and lives a life of commitment to Christ in front of them and behind closed doors.

When I grow up, I want to lead thousands in a song of worship, and watch as the lame walk, the dumb talk, and miracles happen for Gods glory.

When I grow up,
I want to walk fearlessly in the mandate God has placed in my life.

Without fear, without doubt, without hesitation.

I know the time will come again that God will place a mentor in my life. The process I may learn under their guidance may not be an easy one, but it will take me where I need to go.

I'm ready for the process.

"But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their sense exercised to discern both good and evil"
Heb 5:12-14

This is me, in real life. KELLI