Kelli. in real life

I CRAM to understand you

This is MC Lyte.
I was first introduced to rap music by sneaking into my older cousins room when some of his friends were visiting. The "boom box" was up on his dresser drawer, and he and his friends were break dancing in the middle of the floor. I couldn't understand any of the lyrics except these...J-just like a test I cram to understand you. From that day on, I wanted to be like MC Lyte. I saved up my allowance to sneak and buy one of her tapes (parental advisory stamped boldly across the front cover). My parents listened to some secular music like Michael McDonald, Patti Labelle, Phil Collins, and Anita Baker,but as for me, I was only allowed to listen to gospel or christian music until I was about 15.

I knew nothing about the "ghetto" or "BROOKLYN" or this random guy named "sam" that she talked about, but something about her music was so cool to me.

**I have to say that as a teenager I did not know MC Lyte was a lesbian. Had I have known that I'm sure I would've chosen someone else to "be like".******

Today, I was thinking about a situation I've recently found myself in with someone I hold dear to my heart. A misunderstanding caused a rift between us, and naturally I've taken sometime to reflect on my own actions and thoughts. For some odd reason this rap kept coming in my mind.

J-just like a test...j-just like a test, j-just like a test, I CRAM TO UNDERSTAND YOU.

Do you remember what it was like to CRAM for a test? You stayed up the night before a test you weren't prepared for trying to shove all the information you possibly could into your brain. I can recall cramming so much once that I just broke into tears, because I realized there was no way I was going to remember all the information necessary to pass the test.

I thought about relationships in general, and how each of us is created with different "wiring" if you will. Likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, talents and strengths, problems and issues. Yet, when we "relate" to someone; that means there is a common thread somewhere that knits us together, and holds us close to one another.

In order for me to "relate" to those I love communication, understanding, and honesty play huge parts. I can't expect for someone to read my mind and know how I feel unless I tell them. I can't expect for an issue to be truly resolved unless clarity is brought through conversation. I can't claim that I love someone and lie to them about the things they need to change and vice versa.

I reflect on this song in such a random way. We are all God's creation but we are constantly evolving. Life's lessons cause us to grow, mature, and change on a regular basis. Sometimes we need to step back from ourselves, and take the time to "CRAM TO UNDERSTAND" those we care about. It's not about convenience, or even what we "feel like" necessarily. Commitment....relationship....love is about unselfishness.

I've been told I love hard. I'd lay down my life for someone I consider my "family". That sometimes leave's me in a vulnerable place, and I often get hurt by those who take advantage of me. But this is me. Sappy, sentimental, loyal, forgiving, straightforward, but gentle. I can't be anyone but myself.

And tonight as I reflect on those I am committed to , I can make this promise, in spite of the hurt I may feel.
Just like a test.......I CRAM TO UNDERSTAND YOU....and this is one test, Im determined to pass.

This is me, Kelli, in real life.

A Rose for Ruthie

Last week I got a call that shook me on the inside.
My cousin Ruth (known as Ruthie to me) took her own life.
She was 24.

My cousin Trina (Ruthie's sister) is only a year or 2 older than me, so naturally I was closer to her. But Ruthie belonged to all of us. There are 5 of us cousins, all girls, right around the same age, that spent summers together, talked about boys together, had pillow fights, got in trouble together, and loved each other like sisters instead of cousins. Ruthie was so much younger that we often left her out; but we loved her to pieces. She would whine when we left her out, and follow us around until we finally paid her attention.

Ruthie was lovable. She had a giant, infectious smile that would literally light up a room.

My heart is broken tonight when I think of her smile. I wish that our familys love for her would've been enough to keep her here. I wish that she had known God in a more personal way, and that His love had overshadowed the darkness she may have felt and seen all around her.

Death has a way of reminding us of what's important. I'm a verbal person. I don't have a hard time telling those I care about that I love them, or enjoy them being a part of my life. I'm pretty affectionate. I love hard: sometimes to a fault. Ruthie and I were alike in that way. She always said I love you, even if she had told you moments before. In fact those were her last words. "I Love You" sent by a mass text message just before she took her life.

Today I felt faint as I sat quietly at the funeral, I thought of the day and time we live in. We are pressed on every side as the bible says. There are so many silent battles people are facing on a daily basis. Many people are one step away from suicide, depression, or even insanity. What if something I said; a song I sang, or just my presence could be used by God to "grab" someone JUST before they let go?

I want to be used as a "life-saver". A tool that God tosses out into a deep ocean to save someone who is drowning.

I wish I had been there for Ruthie.

Ruth, here's a rose for you. A beautiful rose to express to you how much you had inside of you. So many layers; but so much beauty.

I will miss you.

~Kelli Rose

When One Door Closes

You ever heard that saying, "When one door closes, another one opens?"
Well, this is the image I had in my mind when I heard that saying.

Today I got news that I didn't get a job I interviewed for about a month ago.
I don't want to disclose certain details in order to maintain the privacy of the organization, but basically it was a job doing administrative work for an office that handles ministry affairs. (I know, that's a pretty generic description of the job). When I interviewed for the job, I didn't leave feeling "I got it", but I was definitely interested and excited and knew it was a job I could do effectively and in excellence.

When I got the news today I sort of sighed, and the the strangest thing happened.

I started laughing.

Hysterically laughing.

The Spirit of the Lord immediately reminded me that "all things work together for my good"(Romans 8:28), and (God) knows the plans He has for me,(jer29:11) and the steps of this good woman are ordered by the Lord.(psalm 37:23) I also heard this, "They'll be glad to have you."

I didn't understand at first, but the Lord begin to show me myself through His eyes. He took the time to put different talents, qualities, and characteristics in me when He created me. He knew exactly what He was doing. And although I'm not perfect, He is at work in me. So when that time comes when I'm connected with that next opportunity that is FOR ME, things will come together like pieces to a puzzle, and "they'll be glad to have me."

Wherever , whatever is next, I am open to God's will. I completely trust God to put me where He wants me, and I know that I'll prosper.

Today my perspective changed a bit.

Im not expecting just "another door".

I'm expecting an open door "with gifts".

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever, Amen"
Ephesians 3:20 ESV

This is me in real life, Kelli.