Kelli. in real life

March 7, 2008 ...continued

As soon as I got home I got into the bed. I was overwhelmed with grief and I began to cry until my face was swollen. My phone rang constantly but I couldnt bring myself to talk to anyone. 

As the day went on I began to experience labor pains; extreme cramping and tightening of my stomach. I knew then that I was about to miscarry right there in my home. At one point I was on the bed crouched on all fours. For any woman who has delivered a baby, you know that having a baby without pain medicine or a doctor guide you as to when to push can be very dangerous. I was in excruciating pain. I was screaming and begging God to allow the baby to come out. Finally, Ben laid his hand on my back and commanded the pain to cease and the baby to be released from my body. In obedience to this command from a man of God I felt a POP inside of me and I ran to the bathroom. 

There was my baby. A small little fetus covered in blood, fitting in my hand just perfectly. It was the most haunting and beautiful moment Ive ever experienced. Although lifeless, I knew that baby was mine. I knew that baby was real. I knew that baby was with God. Little hands, feet still somewhat webbed, but beautiful just the same. 

I sat there in silence for a few miniutes until Ben came in and saw me holding the baby. I told the baby how sorry I was that I hadnt done more to protect it. I told him I wished more than anything to have him back. I told him I loved him. 

And then...I had to let him go......

I laid in the bed for hours in disbelief and silently asking God why. Occasionally Canaan would come in our bedroom and just sit beside me. At one point he put his hand on my leg and just said "Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus" over and over again. Even at 2 years old he knew something was wrong, but he knew our hope was in Jesus. 

For days I didnt get out of bed. I stayed in the house for at least a week. The first time I went outside, I went and stood by my car and just took deep breaths in and out. I looked at the cars passing by and realized while my world had stopped theirs had kept going. I didnt know how to move on. I didnt know how to keep living. A part of me had died and I needed for that void to be filled.

A few weeks later I read the book THE SHACK by William P Young. It was while reading this book one afternoon that the Lord gave me a vision of my son whom we named Christian, running in a large green meadow. He had a head full of curly hair, bronze skin, and large almond ,shaped eyes. He was absolutely beautiful. I saw him running in an open meadow, and he turned around and said my name, "Mommy". That was all I needed to hear. 

That day things changed. I still cried, but the tears were cleansing and helping me to release the guilt and the disbelief. God spoke to me in whispers every day until I was strong enough to start getting back to normal.

My life changed forever on March 7, 2008. I lost a child. I lost a piece of our legacy. I lost a son to groom in the love of the Lord. But what I gained was a new appreciation for life. I held a "vapor" in my hands and realized it didnt matter how many people like me, dont like me, think Im pretty or ugly, support me or dont, leave me or stand by my side...I BELONG TO GOD, and He will NEVER leave me. I do not care about fame, riches, or "success", I care about helping people know that THERE IS A GOD and HE can be trusted with our hearts. When I sing I dont sing to impress or to bring chills...I sing because I lost my song, and a loving God gave it back to me. 

I went home to West Virginia for about 8 days last April. One morning I went to Oglebay and as I was walking through the woods I heard this voice echoing through the trees, it was my voice. The Lord spoke to me and said "Sing to me". I hadnt sung since the day Christian died. I opened my mouth and began to sing, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, theres something about that name. Master , Savior, like the fragrance after the rain. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, let all Heaven and earth proclaim, Kings and Kingdoms shall all pass away, But there's something about that name. "

Today marks a year since Christian died. Here I sit, 3.5 months pregnant and although crying, I am so sure of one thing. GOD IS REAL.....and thats what matters.

I love you Christian, today and forever. 

See you soon......

March 7, 2008

****Please be forewarned that this post is very detailed and may be considered by some to be of a graphic nature. However, its my story, and the only way for me to tell it, is to tell it just the way it happened. I promised God I would not be afraid or hesitant to tell this story, so that other people who have been through the same thing, can know they are not alone. And earth truly does have no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.*******

It was a Thursday evening and the day had gone like most Thursdays at the time. Id gone to a meeting at work wearing a fitted shirt that read, "I'm a Believer", stretched just a bit over my tummy which was beginning to poke out. I felt a little strange and a bit crampy, but honestly, you feel alot of strange things when you're pregnant. If you were worried at the feeling of each pain or uncomfortableness you'd constantly be calling your doctor. 

As the day wore on I felt "spacey", meaning at times I remember feeling like I was dizzy, losing my balance, or as if the room was spinning around me. My blood pressure and temperature were normal so I didnt suspect anything. 

That evening as I was preparing dinner (spaghetti to be exact), I felt like something was being drained from my body. I was listless and overwhelmed with sickness that seemed to stem from every part of my body. Th tv was blaring, my son was playing with his toys, and the food was cooking normally, but every sound seemed magnified. 

Once my husband came home from work he suggested I spend some time in the shower and perhaps that would help. Thats the first time I saw it; the brown spotting. it was there when I wiped, there in my underwear, and it was somewhat constant. I was immediately afraid. I had bled with Canaan at 8 weeks, heavy bleeding in fact, and as God would have it there was nothing wrong and Canaan came here months later healthy and whole. 

I hoped this incident would turn out the same. 

I barely slept that night. I was so uncomfortable. Light cramps and short pulses of lower back pain. By the time I woke up in the morning the spotting had turned red and my doctor insisted that I come in for an immediate ultrasound. 

When I laid on the table and the ultrasound technician searched for a heartbeat, I knew there was something wrong. The screen was facing her and not once did she turn it our direction. When finished she said, "Dr. Robinson will see you in just a few minutes and explain the results of your ultrasound". Not once did she looks me in my eye. 

We waited in the waiting room to see the doctor, and while I was sitting there with Ben holding my hand, I felt life leave me. I looked hopelessly around the room at all the other pregnant women and wondered if any other woman in that room could look at me and tell my baby was gone. 

Moments later, my doctor confirmed our deepest fear. Somehow our baby's heart had stopped beating and his lady body lay dead inside of me. I screamed in literal terror. It was not grief or pain that first gripped me; it was terror. I felt lost and alone and I did not feel God anywhere near me. I looked ay my husband in horror, and he was overwhelmed with disbelief and the gigantic loss of our child. 

it took me awhile to calm down and my doctor held my hand the entire time. She looked me straight in my eyes and said, "Kelli, I know how much you wanted this baby. But look at your beautiful boy. He's healthy and beautiful so we know that everything inside of you works.....then she grabbed my face and with the voice of an angel she said, "AND WE KNOW THAT ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR OUR GOOD"......

There He was. There was my God. Speakiing his word to me even in the midst of my greatest loss.

A d & c was scheduled for that following monday as it was a friday and almost early afternoon by this time. I insisted that my doctor perform the surgery so I was willing to wait until the following week. 

In the car the only person I could call was my mother, who sobbed uncontrollably. I sent out a text to all my friends. The only thing I could think to say was, "Our baby is gone. "

Ben and I gripped each others hands the entire way home with tears streaming down our faces. We didnt realize this was only the beginning...........

thoughts on becoming a mentor

 A few years ago I got the opportunity to connect with a woman of God I'd admired from afar for years. 

We prayed together. 

Laughed together.

Learned from one another. 

As in any type of relationship, ours was tested by adversity. What started as a small misunderstanding turned into a revealing of characteristics and traits that ultimately ended in a loss of respect and a breach that cannot be repaired .

One thing I've learned is that when God gives you resolve to a situation it is then your responsibility to rid your heart of bitterness, resentment, and pride which can easily form when you feel you've been wronged. Out of respect for who she once was to me, I've made this post very general. 

But for weeks God has been dealing with me about preparing to be a mentor. Several young women come to me from time to time for advice, prayer, or just to talk. Despite the responsibilities I have at home, I try my best to make myself available to be a sounding board for these young ladies. In order for me to grow as a mentor, I have to look back at the mistakes that were made in the relationship I had with my former mentor. All the fault doesn't simply fall on her; I played  a part as well. 

One of the greatest things that has stuck with me in my time of prayer is the reason WHY I lost respect. 

It wasnt because of what happened. It wasnt because she had faults. It was because she stopped GROWING. Through the course of different situations her responses never changed, her attitude never changed, and she took on this "me against the world" persona, as if any one who didnt agree with her opinions was her enemy. 

As a mentor, as a mother, as a wife, and as a friend....I dont ever want to stop growing. I never want to become unteachable. I want to always be willing to admit my mistakes. I never want to be so removed from what I've overcome that I cant help someone else overcome that very same thing. I never want to think "I've arrived". I always want to KNOW that no matter how far Ive come, I've still got a ways to go. 

50 to 100

Thats how many times I kiss my little boy per day. Sometimes more . Im sure of it. He's a strong willed little wise guy so I've got to discipline him a lot too. But he brings me so much joy. He makes me smile. Isn't he beautiful?

Dear Christian

Dear Christian,

I'm writing you this letter with tears flowing from my eyes, but so much joy in my heart. 

Today I heard your baby brother or sister's heart beat for the 3rd time. Today was extra special because this time last year I was already in the process of miscarrying you and didnt know it. My heart aches when I think of how you must have been struggling to grow, to breathe, and to live. But God gives me peace that the prayers I prayed over you daily while you were in my womb did not go to waste. For you are no longer in pain nor do you feel any fear. You are in Gods precious care and at peace. 

I still think of you almost every day. Although I sometimes cry, God has given me peace in knowing that I'll see you again one day. Instead of holding your tiny, lifeless body that fit in my hand; you'll be big enough to hold in my arms. 

I want you to know that this baby will never take your place, but I am so excited to see pieces of you in this baby. After you passed away, God gave me a dream in which I saw your face; your large almond shaped cocoa brown eyes were bright, your eyelashes as long and enchanting, your head full of curly locks like Papa's, and your smile wide and bright like Daddy's. I even got to hear your sweet voice say,"Mommy." I'm so grateful to have seen that vision and to have seen your face, and most of all to have heard your voice. 

Christian, when you talk with Jesus today, tell him thank you for Mommy. Tell him thank you for this new baby that is growing healthy and strong inside of me. Tell him thank you for the sound of its heart beating and the feeling of its movement inside me. Tell him thank you for carrying Daddy and I through the darkest days of our lives and once again giving us hope and restoring our faith. Christian, tell him thank you. I wouldve never given you up on my own; but in His sovereign ways He took you, and finally; I'm okay with that. Christian, if I had never lost you I would never know Jesus the way I do now. I would never know that His love truly is unfailing, unchanging, and can reach into the deepest, darkest places, and pull us out. It is through this loss that I've been reminded of what is important. And now with a new life growing inside of me, I am once again forever changed. 

My dear sweet boy, I will always love you. 

Until we meet again, 

Mommy

Are We There Yet?

Growing up my parents drove to almost every vacation destination we had. Williamsburg 8 hours, Ocean City, 9 hours, Myrtle Beach 14 hours. I would lay out my blanket, pillow, books and journals perfectly in the back seat. I kept myself occupied most of the trip, but usually about half way through I'd begin to ask the ever famous question, "Are We There Yet?" This question usually triggered an irritable response from my mother especially, so I'd warm up with, "How much longer?"

During the last few weeks in my morning devotion the Holy Spirit has "politely" reminded me that I have reverted to some childish ways. I've allowed the opinions of others and the imaginary "time table" life's pressures can create for us to make me feel as if I'm behind schedule or wasting time. Alot of the people in the industries I'm involved in are single or male and are able to pick up and go or network at leisure. But I made the choice to get married and have a family, which was the RIGHT choice for me. Instead of celebrating this season, I've been so eager about "what's next", "how much longer"..."are we there yet?".

Through scripture the Lord reminded me of the stability of his plans. 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29 :11 (NIV)

He knows my future, but He understands the process. He's mapped out a path for my life and its up to me to trust Him to guide me, without looking to the left or right to see if I'm "measuring up" with others expectations. 

Mark Batterson  summed it up well for me this morning....

He is far more concerned aboutwho you're becoming in the process than when you arrive at your destination. Maybe you need to quit praying for deliverance andstart praying for revelation. 

I love it. 

God is more worried about me not only growing, but comprehending, understanding, and becoming more like me in my character, than he is the actual destination. Its His will that I'm MATURE enough to handle my destiny, rather than accepting a place or way of life I am in truth too immature for. 

Be encouraged today. The process may be long, but it will reap the fruit of the Spirit of God, and HIS fruit always endures, and HIS timing is always right.