Kelli. in real life

March 7, 2008 ...continued

As soon as I got home I got into the bed. I was overwhelmed with grief and I began to cry until my face was swollen. My phone rang constantly but I couldnt bring myself to talk to anyone. 

As the day went on I began to experience labor pains; extreme cramping and tightening of my stomach. I knew then that I was about to miscarry right there in my home. At one point I was on the bed crouched on all fours. For any woman who has delivered a baby, you know that having a baby without pain medicine or a doctor guide you as to when to push can be very dangerous. I was in excruciating pain. I was screaming and begging God to allow the baby to come out. Finally, Ben laid his hand on my back and commanded the pain to cease and the baby to be released from my body. In obedience to this command from a man of God I felt a POP inside of me and I ran to the bathroom. 

There was my baby. A small little fetus covered in blood, fitting in my hand just perfectly. It was the most haunting and beautiful moment Ive ever experienced. Although lifeless, I knew that baby was mine. I knew that baby was real. I knew that baby was with God. Little hands, feet still somewhat webbed, but beautiful just the same. 

I sat there in silence for a few miniutes until Ben came in and saw me holding the baby. I told the baby how sorry I was that I hadnt done more to protect it. I told him I wished more than anything to have him back. I told him I loved him. 

And then...I had to let him go......

I laid in the bed for hours in disbelief and silently asking God why. Occasionally Canaan would come in our bedroom and just sit beside me. At one point he put his hand on my leg and just said "Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus" over and over again. Even at 2 years old he knew something was wrong, but he knew our hope was in Jesus. 

For days I didnt get out of bed. I stayed in the house for at least a week. The first time I went outside, I went and stood by my car and just took deep breaths in and out. I looked at the cars passing by and realized while my world had stopped theirs had kept going. I didnt know how to move on. I didnt know how to keep living. A part of me had died and I needed for that void to be filled.

A few weeks later I read the book THE SHACK by William P Young. It was while reading this book one afternoon that the Lord gave me a vision of my son whom we named Christian, running in a large green meadow. He had a head full of curly hair, bronze skin, and large almond ,shaped eyes. He was absolutely beautiful. I saw him running in an open meadow, and he turned around and said my name, "Mommy". That was all I needed to hear. 

That day things changed. I still cried, but the tears were cleansing and helping me to release the guilt and the disbelief. God spoke to me in whispers every day until I was strong enough to start getting back to normal.

My life changed forever on March 7, 2008. I lost a child. I lost a piece of our legacy. I lost a son to groom in the love of the Lord. But what I gained was a new appreciation for life. I held a "vapor" in my hands and realized it didnt matter how many people like me, dont like me, think Im pretty or ugly, support me or dont, leave me or stand by my side...I BELONG TO GOD, and He will NEVER leave me. I do not care about fame, riches, or "success", I care about helping people know that THERE IS A GOD and HE can be trusted with our hearts. When I sing I dont sing to impress or to bring chills...I sing because I lost my song, and a loving God gave it back to me. 

I went home to West Virginia for about 8 days last April. One morning I went to Oglebay and as I was walking through the woods I heard this voice echoing through the trees, it was my voice. The Lord spoke to me and said "Sing to me". I hadnt sung since the day Christian died. I opened my mouth and began to sing, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, theres something about that name. Master , Savior, like the fragrance after the rain. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, let all Heaven and earth proclaim, Kings and Kingdoms shall all pass away, But there's something about that name. "

Today marks a year since Christian died. Here I sit, 3.5 months pregnant and although crying, I am so sure of one thing. GOD IS REAL.....and thats what matters.

I love you Christian, today and forever. 

See you soon......

March 7, 2008

****Please be forewarned that this post is very detailed and may be considered by some to be of a graphic nature. However, its my story, and the only way for me to tell it, is to tell it just the way it happened. I promised God I would not be afraid or hesitant to tell this story, so that other people who have been through the same thing, can know they are not alone. And earth truly does have no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.*******

It was a Thursday evening and the day had gone like most Thursdays at the time. Id gone to a meeting at work wearing a fitted shirt that read, "I'm a Believer", stretched just a bit over my tummy which was beginning to poke out. I felt a little strange and a bit crampy, but honestly, you feel alot of strange things when you're pregnant. If you were worried at the feeling of each pain or uncomfortableness you'd constantly be calling your doctor. 

As the day wore on I felt "spacey", meaning at times I remember feeling like I was dizzy, losing my balance, or as if the room was spinning around me. My blood pressure and temperature were normal so I didnt suspect anything. 

That evening as I was preparing dinner (spaghetti to be exact), I felt like something was being drained from my body. I was listless and overwhelmed with sickness that seemed to stem from every part of my body. Th tv was blaring, my son was playing with his toys, and the food was cooking normally, but every sound seemed magnified. 

Once my husband came home from work he suggested I spend some time in the shower and perhaps that would help. Thats the first time I saw it; the brown spotting. it was there when I wiped, there in my underwear, and it was somewhat constant. I was immediately afraid. I had bled with Canaan at 8 weeks, heavy bleeding in fact, and as God would have it there was nothing wrong and Canaan came here months later healthy and whole. 

I hoped this incident would turn out the same. 

I barely slept that night. I was so uncomfortable. Light cramps and short pulses of lower back pain. By the time I woke up in the morning the spotting had turned red and my doctor insisted that I come in for an immediate ultrasound. 

When I laid on the table and the ultrasound technician searched for a heartbeat, I knew there was something wrong. The screen was facing her and not once did she turn it our direction. When finished she said, "Dr. Robinson will see you in just a few minutes and explain the results of your ultrasound". Not once did she looks me in my eye. 

We waited in the waiting room to see the doctor, and while I was sitting there with Ben holding my hand, I felt life leave me. I looked hopelessly around the room at all the other pregnant women and wondered if any other woman in that room could look at me and tell my baby was gone. 

Moments later, my doctor confirmed our deepest fear. Somehow our baby's heart had stopped beating and his lady body lay dead inside of me. I screamed in literal terror. It was not grief or pain that first gripped me; it was terror. I felt lost and alone and I did not feel God anywhere near me. I looked ay my husband in horror, and he was overwhelmed with disbelief and the gigantic loss of our child. 

it took me awhile to calm down and my doctor held my hand the entire time. She looked me straight in my eyes and said, "Kelli, I know how much you wanted this baby. But look at your beautiful boy. He's healthy and beautiful so we know that everything inside of you works.....then she grabbed my face and with the voice of an angel she said, "AND WE KNOW THAT ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR OUR GOOD"......

There He was. There was my God. Speakiing his word to me even in the midst of my greatest loss.

A d & c was scheduled for that following monday as it was a friday and almost early afternoon by this time. I insisted that my doctor perform the surgery so I was willing to wait until the following week. 

In the car the only person I could call was my mother, who sobbed uncontrollably. I sent out a text to all my friends. The only thing I could think to say was, "Our baby is gone. "

Ben and I gripped each others hands the entire way home with tears streaming down our faces. We didnt realize this was only the beginning...........

Dear Christian

Dear Christian,

I'm writing you this letter with tears flowing from my eyes, but so much joy in my heart. 

Today I heard your baby brother or sister's heart beat for the 3rd time. Today was extra special because this time last year I was already in the process of miscarrying you and didnt know it. My heart aches when I think of how you must have been struggling to grow, to breathe, and to live. But God gives me peace that the prayers I prayed over you daily while you were in my womb did not go to waste. For you are no longer in pain nor do you feel any fear. You are in Gods precious care and at peace. 

I still think of you almost every day. Although I sometimes cry, God has given me peace in knowing that I'll see you again one day. Instead of holding your tiny, lifeless body that fit in my hand; you'll be big enough to hold in my arms. 

I want you to know that this baby will never take your place, but I am so excited to see pieces of you in this baby. After you passed away, God gave me a dream in which I saw your face; your large almond shaped cocoa brown eyes were bright, your eyelashes as long and enchanting, your head full of curly locks like Papa's, and your smile wide and bright like Daddy's. I even got to hear your sweet voice say,"Mommy." I'm so grateful to have seen that vision and to have seen your face, and most of all to have heard your voice. 

Christian, when you talk with Jesus today, tell him thank you for Mommy. Tell him thank you for this new baby that is growing healthy and strong inside of me. Tell him thank you for the sound of its heart beating and the feeling of its movement inside me. Tell him thank you for carrying Daddy and I through the darkest days of our lives and once again giving us hope and restoring our faith. Christian, tell him thank you. I wouldve never given you up on my own; but in His sovereign ways He took you, and finally; I'm okay with that. Christian, if I had never lost you I would never know Jesus the way I do now. I would never know that His love truly is unfailing, unchanging, and can reach into the deepest, darkest places, and pull us out. It is through this loss that I've been reminded of what is important. And now with a new life growing inside of me, I am once again forever changed. 

My dear sweet boy, I will always love you. 

Until we meet again, 

Mommy

Heart. Beat.

 As I laid on the bed waiting for the doctor: I prayed. 

"Lord, speak to me."

I was afraid.

I was hopeful. 

I was anxious. 

I was ready.

A melody created by one of my favorite musicians, Hans Zimmer, was playing on my Ipod. The tones and rhythms soothed me, and in the midst of the instrumentation, I heard a heart beat. 

A heart beat not my own. 

By the time my doctor began to do the ultrasound, I was confident that my baby was a live, with a strong heart beat. 

There my baby was; small and protected, with a heartbeat.

I cried tears of joy and thanksgiving. 

It was the most beautiful sound. 

The first note on an empty page.

After months of composition and creation, this one note will evolve into a beautiful song.

There is life inside of me, and I rejoice in "her" melody. : )

I Get By With a Little Help From my SISTERS

Meet my sisters.

Up top is "Babe Cooper" and here below is "Babe Knight".

They're not my buddies. 

They're not my friends.

They're not my pals.

They're my sisters. 

Babe Cooper and I have been sisters for 6 years or so. We met when I started singing background for Dorinda Clark Cole, and immediately became close. On the day of my wedding, she was the last person I saw before I walked down the aisle with my father. She cried with me, rejoiced with me, and today is blessed with a wonderful husband and daughter. 

Babe Knight and I have been sisters for less than 2 years, but it feels like forever. Ours was an ironic meeting at a live recording on which we both sang. We didn't keep in touch like we promised, but a year later connected again, and have been stuck like glue ever since. Ours is a spiritual connection; divinely orchestrated.

As fate, or God would have it; Babe Knight and Babe Cooper hit it off right away, and now all of us are inseparable. 

Today I went to Babe Cooper's house to get my hair done. We were on a three way speaker phone call with Babe Knight (who lives in Cali) and I began to be transparent and tell my sisters that I was afraid. I told them how I couldn't stop thinking about the miscarriage in March, and how it was taking everything within me to believe that the baby I'm carrying inside of me now is alive and well. 

Babe Cooper immediately said, "Babe...I believe everything's ok. At church on Sunday I was praising God and thanking Him in advance for this healthy baby you're going to have. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE GOD"

Babe Knight chimed in and said, "You have to speak the word to your mind and tell your mind to tell your body to line up with the Word of God. Don't allow what may be a reality that yes you lost a baby, to dictate to you that you're going to lose this one. We're going to believe that this baby is alive and well and you're going to have a healthy pregnancy."

Then because Babe Knight was at a church function she went into many salutations and blessings with people around her. Babe Cooper and I had a field day teasing her about her "meet and greet". 

A normal conversation. A normal banter of mockery back and forth. A normal exchange of sisterly love and laughter. 

But yet, I drove home with tears pouring down my face. 

I am SO BLESSED to have TRUE sisters, who although not my blood have been joined to me through the covenant of Christ. They wouldn't let me fall today. They didn't pat my back and baby my emotions.

 They spoke the WORD and helped me to stand on it. 

Once home, I grabbed a book I read regularly called "Supernatural Childbirth". I began to read and recite the scriptures listed inside and I came to this ...FEAR is F(alse) E(vidence) A(bout) R(eality).

Everything my sisters had spoken to me today was confirmed. 

I will spend the rest of the day reciting and meditating on Gods promises and thanking Him for sisters who care enough to remind me of those promises. 

Have No Fear

When I was little I was fascinated with superheroes. 

Superman, Superwoman, Batman, Suzzette Smurf. 

I loved them because they seemed invincible. They had amazing powers to do almost anything they wanted. Plus, they had the best lines was, "Have No Fear"....and then they'd either rescue someone, fight an enemy, or fly or twirl around really fast. 

(All except for Suzzette Smurf. I just thought she was brave for living around all those boys)

Have no fear, huh?  That's been a tough concept for me to grasp, even though I'm in relationship with the greatest of superheroes; Jesus Christ. 

I've talked before about struggling with fear, anxiety, worry, and doubt; almost on a daily basis. I have to literally quote meditate on scriptures and feed myself the word of God and encouraging words to fight off anxiety. 

Just before Christmas I found out that I'm pregnant again with what would have been our 3rd child. I've written many times about losing Christian back in March, and what a difficult loss it was to recover from. When I saw the plus sign on the "pee pee" stick (as I like to call it) I was filled with mixed emotions; I was thrilled speechless until all that would come out of my mouth was a screaming like sound that sounded more like a whale in heat. 

I was also AFRAID. 

Fear gripped me. 

I was afraid of my husband's response. 

I was afraid of the financial strain if I end up having to quit my job. 

I was afraid of losing the baby. 

And I realized that fear was the reason I didn't tell people. I was afraid people would say, "you should probably wait to say anything...just in case you miscarry."

I was afraid people would feel pitiful for me, and instead of BELIEVING God with me, they'd just "hope for the best". 

I've been wrecking my brain every day, making sure I still feel certain symptoms. The moment I don't; I become afraid and bombard myself with "what ifs". 

Fear is torment. 

I can't live like that.

"FOR GOD HAS NOT GIVEN US THE SPIRIT OF FEAR, BUT OF POWER, AND LOVE, AND OF A SOUND MIND" -II Timothy 1:7 

"FEAR NOT, FOR I AM WITH THEE, AND I WILL BLESS THEE" -Genesis 26: 24

I've been eating these scriptures like candy. 

I have concluded, that whatever happens, my God is with me. He won't leave me. He knows my hearts desire, and He is able to do more than I can ask or think. 

So this baby, this pregnancy, this anxious woman....is in HIS HANDS.