My evening has taken an unexpected turn.
After being on a holiday with my sister for a week and returning just yesterday, I spent most of the day (after church) lounging around the house with my husband and my toddler son. Tonight I intended on catching up on some reading, taking a hot bath, and watching a movie with my husband.
My plans were interrupted about an hour by a call from a friend.
A close and dear friend.
A friend that has never turned His back on me even when I haven't been true to our relationship.
Never lied to me.
Never failed.
Consistent.
All knowing.
Forgiving.
and extremely loving.
My Savior.
My Father.
My Lover.
My Friend.
My Jesus.
My GOD.
While on vacation my sister and I listened to a variety of music. We're both singers, songwriters, and worshippers; so music is a common thread between us. I'd heard her sing a beautiful song once before, but had never inquired about the artist who sang it. While driving one day she played the song. We listened. We listened again. We felt the presence of God, and listened again.
Tonight I intended on downloading/purchasing the song to gift to 2 of my dear friends for their personal prayer time. But as I listened, I felt the Lord calling me into His presence.
For over an hour now I have been trying to take these songs off of repeat, but my spirit is full as I meditate on the character and essence of who God is.
Who am I that He would desire to have fellowship, conversation, and intimacy with me?
I love my husband deeply. I love him for the man he is and is becoming. I love his gifts and talents. I love his handsome face, soft kisses and gentle touch. I love his smile. I love the way he loves our son. I love him as my friend and my love. While away from him I missed him so much I could almost smell his cologne at night when I laid my head down to sleep and I longed to be in his arms.
But friend, as precious as the bond I share with my husband, there is no comparison to the bond and covenant shared with my Savior. To begin to describe it is almost foolish, for as a worshipper I could never run out of words to describe who God is to me.
I think David summed it up best when he said, "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is the fulness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
I had questions tonight; questions about my future, my purpose, my abilities, and even my standing with God. For an hour I have sat right here at this computer, worshipping in silence, tears streaming down my face, while God has LITERALLY deposited direction, joy, peace, and sweet peace into my spirit".
And although I was sitting right here in my living room while my husband watched football, I felt as if I were sitting by a private lake, rocking in a chair, candles all around, while my Savior; my Jesus gave me roses, reminded me of his promises, forgave me of my wrong, gave me instruction, and just sat with me as if there were no place He would rather be.
My cup is full and overflowing.
Dear friends;
I encourage you; if you're dry and thirsty
if you're lost and wandering,
or if you're a believer simply looking for more of God....
He promised "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you" (James 5:8a)
I imagine I'll sleep sweetly tonight...
hearing this psalm of worship sung by Myron Williams
"Draw me.....Draw me Lord....and I'll come running after you
Draw me....Draw me Lord...and I'll come running after you
.................
I don't mind waiting....I don't mind waiting.....I don't mind waiting on you Lord
I don't mind waiting.....I don't mind waiting.......I don't mind waiting on you Lord"
This is MC Lyte.
I was first introduced to rap music by sneaking into my older cousins room when some of his friends were visiting. The "boom box" was up on his dresser drawer, and he and his friends were break dancing in the middle of the floor. I couldn't understand any of the lyrics except these...J-just like a test I cram to understand you. From that day on, I wanted to be like MC Lyte. I saved up my allowance to sneak and buy one of her tapes (parental advisory stamped boldly across the front cover). My parents listened to some secular music like Michael McDonald, Patti Labelle, Phil Collins, and Anita Baker,but as for me, I was only allowed to listen to gospel or christian music until I was about 15.
I knew nothing about the "ghetto" or "BROOKLYN" or this random guy named "sam" that she talked about, but something about her music was so cool to me.
**I have to say that as a teenager I did not know MC Lyte was a lesbian. Had I have known that I'm sure I would've chosen someone else to "be like".******
Today, I was thinking about a situation I've recently found myself in with someone I hold dear to my heart. A misunderstanding caused a rift between us, and naturally I've taken sometime to reflect on my own actions and thoughts. For some odd reason this rap kept coming in my mind.
J-just like a test...j-just like a test, j-just like a test, I CRAM TO UNDERSTAND YOU.
Do you remember what it was like to CRAM for a test? You stayed up the night before a test you weren't prepared for trying to shove all the information you possibly could into your brain. I can recall cramming so much once that I just broke into tears, because I realized there was no way I was going to remember all the information necessary to pass the test.
I thought about relationships in general, and how each of us is created with different "wiring" if you will. Likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, talents and strengths, problems and issues. Yet, when we "relate" to someone; that means there is a common thread somewhere that knits us together, and holds us close to one another.
In order for me to "relate" to those I love communication, understanding, and honesty play huge parts. I can't expect for someone to read my mind and know how I feel unless I tell them. I can't expect for an issue to be truly resolved unless clarity is brought through conversation. I can't claim that I love someone and lie to them about the things they need to change and vice versa.
I reflect on this song in such a random way. We are all God's creation but we are constantly evolving. Life's lessons cause us to grow, mature, and change on a regular basis. Sometimes we need to step back from ourselves, and take the time to "CRAM TO UNDERSTAND" those we care about. It's not about convenience, or even what we "feel like" necessarily. Commitment....relationship....love is about unselfishness.
I've been told I love hard. I'd lay down my life for someone I consider my "family". That sometimes leave's me in a vulnerable place, and I often get hurt by those who take advantage of me. But this is me. Sappy, sentimental, loyal, forgiving, straightforward, but gentle. I can't be anyone but myself.
And tonight as I reflect on those I am committed to , I can make this promise, in spite of the hurt I may feel.
Just like a test.......I CRAM TO UNDERSTAND YOU....and this is one test, Im determined to pass.
This is me, Kelli, in real life.
Last week I got a call that shook me on the inside.
My cousin Ruth (known as Ruthie to me) took her own life.
She was 24.
My cousin Trina (Ruthie's sister) is only a year or 2 older than me, so naturally I was closer to her. But Ruthie belonged to all of us. There are 5 of us cousins, all girls, right around the same age, that spent summers together, talked about boys together, had pillow fights, got in trouble together, and loved each other like sisters instead of cousins. Ruthie was so much younger that we often left her out; but we loved her to pieces. She would whine when we left her out, and follow us around until we finally paid her attention.
Ruthie was lovable. She had a giant, infectious smile that would literally light up a room.
My heart is broken tonight when I think of her smile. I wish that our familys love for her would've been enough to keep her here. I wish that she had known God in a more personal way, and that His love had overshadowed the darkness she may have felt and seen all around her.
Death has a way of reminding us of what's important. I'm a verbal person. I don't have a hard time telling those I care about that I love them, or enjoy them being a part of my life. I'm pretty affectionate. I love hard: sometimes to a fault. Ruthie and I were alike in that way. She always said I love you, even if she had told you moments before. In fact those were her last words. "I Love You" sent by a mass text message just before she took her life.
Today I felt faint as I sat quietly at the funeral, I thought of the day and time we live in. We are pressed on every side as the bible says. There are so many silent battles people are facing on a daily basis. Many people are one step away from suicide, depression, or even insanity. What if something I said; a song I sang, or just my presence could be used by God to "grab" someone JUST before they let go?
I want to be used as a "life-saver". A tool that God tosses out into a deep ocean to save someone who is drowning.
I wish I had been there for Ruthie.
Ruth, here's a rose for you. A beautiful rose to express to you how much you had inside of you. So many layers; but so much beauty.
I will miss you.
~Kelli Rose
My friends are very important to me.
I've got associates, acquaintances, church family, friends and family.
Most of my closest friends are considered a part of my family.
A few years ago , I moved to Michigan and was separated from some of my closest and dearest friends that I was used to seeing on a daily basis. Now I've got close friends here, and close friends miles away. But I love that no distance and no familiarity changes the connection between us.
One of my dearest friends is hurting emotionally. She's a strong individual, and her faith in God is solid. But we're all human, and when disappointments come it's natural for us to hurt.
On Friday before I even knew what was going on in detail with my friend; I began to weep and call our her name in prayer. It was less than an hour later that I understood why I had felt such a burden for her.
Friendship is one of the most precious types of relationships God has gifted us with. While marriage brings about a connection of romance, sexual intimacy, and the building of a family; even a marriage is quite fragile with out the two individuals ( man and a woman) first being FRIENDS. Friendship is the ability to let down your guard and allow a person to take up space in your heart; the ability to laugh together, cry together, hurt one another, forgive one another, believe in each other, and remain committed without any paperwork or ceremony.
Today I just wish I could hold my dear friends hand as a point of contact.
I'd stand right by her side without inhibition. I'd allow the pure and untainted love of God to flow through me, as I held her hand; saying nothing; just there to be there.
Sometimes no words can heal us like the sense of touch can.
Sometimes we can't even find the words to describe the emotions we feel.
But "touch" transcends even words and feelings.
I just wish I was there to hold her hand like little girls do when they're finished playing dolls, or skipping down a path, or just glad to see one another.
I'd hold her hand, and let her know...."Everything is going to be alright. But until it is.....I'm right here."
