Kelli. in real life

Christian and Jesus

In the months since I miscarried, I've endured a lot of emotional ups and downs.
I've tried to keep my pain hidden; for the sake of those around me.
Let's face it; grief is uncomfortable for people to deal with.
I knew that although the wound was still fresh to me, others had moved on and had possibly even forgot about my miscarriage.

In the last few days things had been especially difficult for me.
Since that day in March, 3 of my friends have had beautiful, healthy babies.
It doesn't hurt at all to see them or hold them.
It doesn't hurt to rejoice with my friends and celebrate their happiness.
It hurts when I lay my hand on my own belly that should be well with child.
It hurts when I think of this coming September, and the excitement I felt at the thought of yet again giving birth.
It hurts when Canaan remembers and touches my stomach and says, "Is the baby in there?"

But today....it doesn't hurt.
Today my heart is overjoyed at the reality of it all.

I was reading in this book "The Shack" today, and ever since I picked it up, it has changed my life piece by piece. You see, my love language is WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. I am most moved when people take the time to tell me in detail why they care about me, or what they see in me, or how much they love me. And this book is like one, giant, love letter to me from God. It is changing me. And today I even felt his love heal me.

In this story, a man loses his youngest daughter to a heinous crime. It rips through him like a saw, and puts a rift between him and God. Somehow (you'll have to read the book to find out how), he has this amazing encounter with God, and as God begins to reveal himself to this man, he is changed and restored. In this particular passage this man has a chance to see his daughter, and although he cannot touch her, he weeps with joy at this sight.....

"Just then someone called Missy's name and Mack recognized the voice. She shrieked with delight and started to run....Abruptly she stopped and ran back to her daddy. She made a big embrace as if she were hugging him and, with eyes closed, overexaggerated a kiss. From the barrier he hugged her back...........

And now Mack could clearly see the voice that had called his Missy. It was Jesus....Without hesitation Missy leaped into his arms.....The voicing of their joy was a symphony to Mack's ears, and as he watched, his tears flowed freely."

A few days after the miscarriage I had a dream of my son. He had the biggest black, curly locks, and large bright eyes. His skin was the color of copper. He was running in a field of what looked like tall grass and daisies. He kept turning back to smile at me, and I even heard him laugh.

Now...to read this passage , and to recall that dream, I now understand.

I may have never experienced the joy of being his mother here on this earth. But I never "lost " him.
My son, My Christian is LITERALLY with Jesus. I mean, how much more could I ask for? He'll never taste of the pain this world sometimes brings. All he knows is the joy of being loved by Jesus.

Yes, I am crying.
Yes, I miss him deeply.
But my heart is full of joy knowing that Jesus knows my pain and grief,
and he does not judge me for it, or wish that I'd get over it.

But instead, he gave me a glimpse of his love today.

My Christian is with Jesus.

Who needs an alarm clock?

When you've got a 2 year old who loves loud toys?
Picture this; my husband and I are snuggled up together enjoying the fact that neither one of us have to be at work until later on in the day. Our assumption was that our 2 year old was fast asleep in his room. However, one of us must have sleepwalked into his room and let him out of his crib, because SURELY he didn't climb out on his own.
It was such a good sleep.

Until our son puts his "hip hop escalade" on our bed, right in front of my face, and pushes one of the yellow buttons. Now look closely at the picture. This baby has SUBWOOFERS.

Boom Boom Chi Boom....ba boom boom Chi Boom!!!!!!

And naturally, my son starts dancing and making noises.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

.......come to think of it I'm STILL trying to figure out how he got out of his crib.

This is me....sleepy....I mean Kelli, in real life.

Let the CeLeBRatIon begin!!!!

This is my little boy...."in whom I am well pleased" :)

Last night he went pee pee in the potty all by himself.

Know what that means? He's going to get spoiled for the next few days.

My parents are sending him some Thomas the train toys and books.

My husbands parents are giving him a "potty party".

My hubby brought jelly beans home for him to have.

And after eating his cereal this morning, he asked me for a piece of bubble gum.

I gave it to him. : )

Today I feel so proud and overjoyed.

Being a mom is the best!!!!!

This is me, in real life. KELLI

Yesterday, I Cried

Yesterday, I cried.

My L.A. sister was in town this past week for a church convention, and the last 3 days my other sister and I had the chance to spend some girl time with her. Yesterday, my new niece turned a month old, and we went to see her get her first portraits taken. While we looked through the proofs we took turns holding her, and delighting in the outcome of her pictures. We walked aimlessly through the store while waiting for her pictures to print; laughing at inside jokes, looking at baby clothes and toys, and even posing for a picture or two.

For some odd reason as we were looking at girl's clothes my L.A. sister said something about my future child(ren). Immediately, my stomach began to cramp, sweat started pouring down my face, my skin was hot, and I felt light headed and dizzy. I sat in a rocking chair for a few moments to try and collect myself, but the pain would not subside. "I'm just hungry. Go on and check out, and I'll meet you there in a few minutes, " I said to my sisters. As soon as they were out of sight, I rushed to restroom.

I cried because I lost him.

I cried because I wasn't pregnant.

I cried because he hadn't met his aunties who had screamed with ecstatic joy when I took the test and it came out positive.

I cried, and it hurt.

Somehow, I collected myself after a few minutes, and returned to my sisters.

I held my niece close to me and nuzzled her cheek.

I cried because I lost him.

But I smiled, because she's here.

How I Got Over

So I'm back to normalcy.

I'm the mother of one, caring for one.

I didn't have to change 3 diapers at the same time yesterday.
I didn't have to take one meal and divide it EQUALLY into 3 plates, and then use what was left over to create meal for Ben and I.
I did not have to rotate the usage of 2 working squirt guns between 3 rowdy boys.

Instead I held my one little toddler boy closely and tightly and said, "You're not so bad after all. "

I let him jump on my bed.
I let him eat my chips.
I let him stay up til 10.

Why?

Because I was so glad to only have one of him : )

All in all, it was a great experience, and I'd do it all over again in a heart beat.

But I have to give credit where credit is due.

Starbucks....you've done it again.

COFFEE...is certainly how I got over.

The Highlight of My Day

Earlier today I let the boys sit on the deck and eat their snack. I decided to sit at a nearby table and read my bible. Funny thing is my bible doesn't look much like a bible, but more so like a journal. So I was surprised when the youngest of the boys came over and said, "Kelli (which sounds more like Keeeeeely)...I wanna read it (weed it ). Is this not the cutest picture?