Kelli. in real life

March 7, 2008 ...continued

As soon as I got home I got into the bed. I was overwhelmed with grief and I began to cry until my face was swollen. My phone rang constantly but I couldnt bring myself to talk to anyone. 

As the day went on I began to experience labor pains; extreme cramping and tightening of my stomach. I knew then that I was about to miscarry right there in my home. At one point I was on the bed crouched on all fours. For any woman who has delivered a baby, you know that having a baby without pain medicine or a doctor guide you as to when to push can be very dangerous. I was in excruciating pain. I was screaming and begging God to allow the baby to come out. Finally, Ben laid his hand on my back and commanded the pain to cease and the baby to be released from my body. In obedience to this command from a man of God I felt a POP inside of me and I ran to the bathroom. 

There was my baby. A small little fetus covered in blood, fitting in my hand just perfectly. It was the most haunting and beautiful moment Ive ever experienced. Although lifeless, I knew that baby was mine. I knew that baby was real. I knew that baby was with God. Little hands, feet still somewhat webbed, but beautiful just the same. 

I sat there in silence for a few miniutes until Ben came in and saw me holding the baby. I told the baby how sorry I was that I hadnt done more to protect it. I told him I wished more than anything to have him back. I told him I loved him. 

And then...I had to let him go......

I laid in the bed for hours in disbelief and silently asking God why. Occasionally Canaan would come in our bedroom and just sit beside me. At one point he put his hand on my leg and just said "Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus" over and over again. Even at 2 years old he knew something was wrong, but he knew our hope was in Jesus. 

For days I didnt get out of bed. I stayed in the house for at least a week. The first time I went outside, I went and stood by my car and just took deep breaths in and out. I looked at the cars passing by and realized while my world had stopped theirs had kept going. I didnt know how to move on. I didnt know how to keep living. A part of me had died and I needed for that void to be filled.

A few weeks later I read the book THE SHACK by William P Young. It was while reading this book one afternoon that the Lord gave me a vision of my son whom we named Christian, running in a large green meadow. He had a head full of curly hair, bronze skin, and large almond ,shaped eyes. He was absolutely beautiful. I saw him running in an open meadow, and he turned around and said my name, "Mommy". That was all I needed to hear. 

That day things changed. I still cried, but the tears were cleansing and helping me to release the guilt and the disbelief. God spoke to me in whispers every day until I was strong enough to start getting back to normal.

My life changed forever on March 7, 2008. I lost a child. I lost a piece of our legacy. I lost a son to groom in the love of the Lord. But what I gained was a new appreciation for life. I held a "vapor" in my hands and realized it didnt matter how many people like me, dont like me, think Im pretty or ugly, support me or dont, leave me or stand by my side...I BELONG TO GOD, and He will NEVER leave me. I do not care about fame, riches, or "success", I care about helping people know that THERE IS A GOD and HE can be trusted with our hearts. When I sing I dont sing to impress or to bring chills...I sing because I lost my song, and a loving God gave it back to me. 

I went home to West Virginia for about 8 days last April. One morning I went to Oglebay and as I was walking through the woods I heard this voice echoing through the trees, it was my voice. The Lord spoke to me and said "Sing to me". I hadnt sung since the day Christian died. I opened my mouth and began to sing, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, theres something about that name. Master , Savior, like the fragrance after the rain. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, let all Heaven and earth proclaim, Kings and Kingdoms shall all pass away, But there's something about that name. "

Today marks a year since Christian died. Here I sit, 3.5 months pregnant and although crying, I am so sure of one thing. GOD IS REAL.....and thats what matters.

I love you Christian, today and forever. 

See you soon......

March 7, 2008

****Please be forewarned that this post is very detailed and may be considered by some to be of a graphic nature. However, its my story, and the only way for me to tell it, is to tell it just the way it happened. I promised God I would not be afraid or hesitant to tell this story, so that other people who have been through the same thing, can know they are not alone. And earth truly does have no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.*******

It was a Thursday evening and the day had gone like most Thursdays at the time. Id gone to a meeting at work wearing a fitted shirt that read, "I'm a Believer", stretched just a bit over my tummy which was beginning to poke out. I felt a little strange and a bit crampy, but honestly, you feel alot of strange things when you're pregnant. If you were worried at the feeling of each pain or uncomfortableness you'd constantly be calling your doctor. 

As the day wore on I felt "spacey", meaning at times I remember feeling like I was dizzy, losing my balance, or as if the room was spinning around me. My blood pressure and temperature were normal so I didnt suspect anything. 

That evening as I was preparing dinner (spaghetti to be exact), I felt like something was being drained from my body. I was listless and overwhelmed with sickness that seemed to stem from every part of my body. Th tv was blaring, my son was playing with his toys, and the food was cooking normally, but every sound seemed magnified. 

Once my husband came home from work he suggested I spend some time in the shower and perhaps that would help. Thats the first time I saw it; the brown spotting. it was there when I wiped, there in my underwear, and it was somewhat constant. I was immediately afraid. I had bled with Canaan at 8 weeks, heavy bleeding in fact, and as God would have it there was nothing wrong and Canaan came here months later healthy and whole. 

I hoped this incident would turn out the same. 

I barely slept that night. I was so uncomfortable. Light cramps and short pulses of lower back pain. By the time I woke up in the morning the spotting had turned red and my doctor insisted that I come in for an immediate ultrasound. 

When I laid on the table and the ultrasound technician searched for a heartbeat, I knew there was something wrong. The screen was facing her and not once did she turn it our direction. When finished she said, "Dr. Robinson will see you in just a few minutes and explain the results of your ultrasound". Not once did she looks me in my eye. 

We waited in the waiting room to see the doctor, and while I was sitting there with Ben holding my hand, I felt life leave me. I looked hopelessly around the room at all the other pregnant women and wondered if any other woman in that room could look at me and tell my baby was gone. 

Moments later, my doctor confirmed our deepest fear. Somehow our baby's heart had stopped beating and his lady body lay dead inside of me. I screamed in literal terror. It was not grief or pain that first gripped me; it was terror. I felt lost and alone and I did not feel God anywhere near me. I looked ay my husband in horror, and he was overwhelmed with disbelief and the gigantic loss of our child. 

it took me awhile to calm down and my doctor held my hand the entire time. She looked me straight in my eyes and said, "Kelli, I know how much you wanted this baby. But look at your beautiful boy. He's healthy and beautiful so we know that everything inside of you works.....then she grabbed my face and with the voice of an angel she said, "AND WE KNOW THAT ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR OUR GOOD"......

There He was. There was my God. Speakiing his word to me even in the midst of my greatest loss.

A d & c was scheduled for that following monday as it was a friday and almost early afternoon by this time. I insisted that my doctor perform the surgery so I was willing to wait until the following week. 

In the car the only person I could call was my mother, who sobbed uncontrollably. I sent out a text to all my friends. The only thing I could think to say was, "Our baby is gone. "

Ben and I gripped each others hands the entire way home with tears streaming down our faces. We didnt realize this was only the beginning...........

Heart. Beat.

 As I laid on the bed waiting for the doctor: I prayed. 

"Lord, speak to me."

I was afraid.

I was hopeful. 

I was anxious. 

I was ready.

A melody created by one of my favorite musicians, Hans Zimmer, was playing on my Ipod. The tones and rhythms soothed me, and in the midst of the instrumentation, I heard a heart beat. 

A heart beat not my own. 

By the time my doctor began to do the ultrasound, I was confident that my baby was a live, with a strong heart beat. 

There my baby was; small and protected, with a heartbeat.

I cried tears of joy and thanksgiving. 

It was the most beautiful sound. 

The first note on an empty page.

After months of composition and creation, this one note will evolve into a beautiful song.

There is life inside of me, and I rejoice in "her" melody. : )

Draw Me Lord & I'll Come Running After You

My evening has taken an unexpected turn.
After being on a holiday with my sister for a week and returning just yesterday, I spent most of the day (after church) lounging around the house with my husband and my toddler son. Tonight I intended on catching up on some reading, taking a hot bath, and watching a movie with my husband.
My plans were interrupted about an hour by a call from a friend.
A close and dear friend.
A friend that has never turned His back on me even when I haven't been true to our relationship.
Never lied to me.
Never failed.
Consistent.
All knowing.
Forgiving.
and extremely loving.

My Savior.
My Father.
My Lover.
My Friend.
My Jesus.
My GOD.

While on vacation my sister and I listened to a variety of music. We're both singers, songwriters, and worshippers; so music is a common thread between us. I'd heard her sing a beautiful song once before, but had never inquired about the artist who sang it. While driving one day she played the song. We listened. We listened again. We felt the presence of God, and listened again.
Tonight I intended on downloading/purchasing the song to gift to 2 of my dear friends for their personal prayer time. But as I listened, I felt the Lord calling me into His presence.

For over an hour now I have been trying to take these songs off of repeat, but my spirit is full as I meditate on the character and essence of who God is.

Who am I that He would desire to have fellowship, conversation, and intimacy with me?

I love my husband deeply. I love him for the man he is and is becoming. I love his gifts and talents. I love his handsome face, soft kisses and gentle touch. I love his smile. I love the way he loves our son. I love him as my friend and my love. While away from him I missed him so much I could almost smell his cologne at night when I laid my head down to sleep and I longed to be in his arms.

But friend, as precious as the bond I share with my husband, there is no comparison to the bond and covenant shared with my Savior. To begin to describe it is almost foolish, for as a worshipper I could never run out of words to describe who God is to me.

I think David summed it up best when he said, "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is the fulness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

I had questions tonight; questions about my future, my purpose, my abilities, and even my standing with God. For an hour I have sat right here at this computer, worshipping in silence, tears streaming down my face, while God has LITERALLY deposited direction, joy, peace, and sweet peace into my spirit".

And although I was sitting right here in my living room while my husband watched football, I felt as if I were sitting by a private lake, rocking in a chair, candles all around, while my Savior; my Jesus gave me roses, reminded me of his promises, forgave me of my wrong, gave me instruction, and just sat with me as if there were no place He would rather be.

My cup is full and overflowing.

Dear friends;
I encourage you; if you're dry and thirsty
if you're lost and wandering,
or if you're a believer simply looking for more of God....

He promised "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you" (James 5:8a)

I imagine I'll sleep sweetly tonight...
hearing this psalm of worship sung by Myron Williams

"Draw me.....Draw me Lord....and I'll come running after you
Draw me....Draw me Lord...and I'll come running after you

.................

I don't mind waiting....I don't mind waiting.....I don't mind waiting on you Lord
I don't mind waiting.....I don't mind waiting.......I don't mind waiting on you Lord"

Feel The Prayer Wheel Turnin'

My grandmother and grandfather used to get up early in the morning and pray.
Sometimes they would kneel beside their bed and pray, but other times they would go to the church and pray.
Sometimes my parents would go, but if they had to be at work occasionally, I went with my grandparents.
There would usually be about 6-10 people that would show up for early morning prayer. But even as a child, I was fascinated by what went on in those prayer meetings.
Sometimes there was weeping.
Sometimes there was rejoicing.
Sometimes there was silence.
Sometimes they sang songs.
But all the time....it was powerful.

I used to hear seasoned women in the church say, "I feel the prayer wheel turnin".

It meant that they felt the Spirit of the Lord stirring within them, calling them to prayer and intimacy with him.

As a child, and even now this is what I see when I think of a "prayer wheel turnin'".

Its a water wheel.
A device created long ago using flowing water to create POWER.

Even as I write that I feel a rush of excitement.

When God calls us into a time of prayer; true prayer that includes intercession ( standing in the gap fervently for someone else), warfare (praying against spiritual wickedness and things that are not of God) , and supplication (asking and requesting God for specific things)...its like a well of water inside of us is being turned through a wheel (prayer) to create POWER.

The bible speaks of this in different ways.....

"But you shall receive power after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you" Acts 1:8a

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known unto God. " Phillipians 4:6

"Like wise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings to deep for words. " Romans 8:26

Sounds like a prayer wheel to me.

Today, open your heart to the Holy Spirit. Allow that well of living water living inside you to flow freely. Open your mouth in faith and allow God to fill it with words of prayer, intercession, and supplication with thanksgiving.

Today I prayed for you. My heart was overwhelmed with love for you...anyone and everyone who reads this today.

I pray that you will be called into the love of Christ today and experience what He has for you.

I feel the prayer wheel turnin'

Heaven

"I've got heaven in my view. I feel heaven when I worship you.... When I Worship You"
("Heaven" written by Deitrick Haddon)

I don't need a choir.
I don't need a popular worship song to be sung by someone with the most beautiful voice I've ever heard.
I don't need pictures and lights flashing to get me "in the mood".
I don't need a church building.

Not today.

Today my heart is overflowing with a longing for nothing of this world, and all things of heaven.
Not the streets paved with gold, or the singing angels, or the loved ones who have passed on.

I'm yearning for heaven. Not the place called "heaven", but the experience of heaven.

Have you ever prayed or worshipped God until you felt like "heaven" was all around you?

His literal presence surrounding you until there were no words to speak, and no song could even come close to expressing the beauty of his glory......

My heart is filled with joy as I anticipate God's presence during my prayer time today. I just can't wait to lay aside the cares and duties of this life and steal away with my Savior.

I can feel Him tugging at my heart.

I want nothing more today, than to be with Him.

I want to be in HEAVEN.

This is me in real life, Kelli