Kelli. in real life

March 7, 2008 ...continued

As soon as I got home I got into the bed. I was overwhelmed with grief and I began to cry until my face was swollen. My phone rang constantly but I couldnt bring myself to talk to anyone. 

As the day went on I began to experience labor pains; extreme cramping and tightening of my stomach. I knew then that I was about to miscarry right there in my home. At one point I was on the bed crouched on all fours. For any woman who has delivered a baby, you know that having a baby without pain medicine or a doctor guide you as to when to push can be very dangerous. I was in excruciating pain. I was screaming and begging God to allow the baby to come out. Finally, Ben laid his hand on my back and commanded the pain to cease and the baby to be released from my body. In obedience to this command from a man of God I felt a POP inside of me and I ran to the bathroom. 

There was my baby. A small little fetus covered in blood, fitting in my hand just perfectly. It was the most haunting and beautiful moment Ive ever experienced. Although lifeless, I knew that baby was mine. I knew that baby was real. I knew that baby was with God. Little hands, feet still somewhat webbed, but beautiful just the same. 

I sat there in silence for a few miniutes until Ben came in and saw me holding the baby. I told the baby how sorry I was that I hadnt done more to protect it. I told him I wished more than anything to have him back. I told him I loved him. 

And then...I had to let him go......

I laid in the bed for hours in disbelief and silently asking God why. Occasionally Canaan would come in our bedroom and just sit beside me. At one point he put his hand on my leg and just said "Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus" over and over again. Even at 2 years old he knew something was wrong, but he knew our hope was in Jesus. 

For days I didnt get out of bed. I stayed in the house for at least a week. The first time I went outside, I went and stood by my car and just took deep breaths in and out. I looked at the cars passing by and realized while my world had stopped theirs had kept going. I didnt know how to move on. I didnt know how to keep living. A part of me had died and I needed for that void to be filled.

A few weeks later I read the book THE SHACK by William P Young. It was while reading this book one afternoon that the Lord gave me a vision of my son whom we named Christian, running in a large green meadow. He had a head full of curly hair, bronze skin, and large almond ,shaped eyes. He was absolutely beautiful. I saw him running in an open meadow, and he turned around and said my name, "Mommy". That was all I needed to hear. 

That day things changed. I still cried, but the tears were cleansing and helping me to release the guilt and the disbelief. God spoke to me in whispers every day until I was strong enough to start getting back to normal.

My life changed forever on March 7, 2008. I lost a child. I lost a piece of our legacy. I lost a son to groom in the love of the Lord. But what I gained was a new appreciation for life. I held a "vapor" in my hands and realized it didnt matter how many people like me, dont like me, think Im pretty or ugly, support me or dont, leave me or stand by my side...I BELONG TO GOD, and He will NEVER leave me. I do not care about fame, riches, or "success", I care about helping people know that THERE IS A GOD and HE can be trusted with our hearts. When I sing I dont sing to impress or to bring chills...I sing because I lost my song, and a loving God gave it back to me. 

I went home to West Virginia for about 8 days last April. One morning I went to Oglebay and as I was walking through the woods I heard this voice echoing through the trees, it was my voice. The Lord spoke to me and said "Sing to me". I hadnt sung since the day Christian died. I opened my mouth and began to sing, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, theres something about that name. Master , Savior, like the fragrance after the rain. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, let all Heaven and earth proclaim, Kings and Kingdoms shall all pass away, But there's something about that name. "

Today marks a year since Christian died. Here I sit, 3.5 months pregnant and although crying, I am so sure of one thing. GOD IS REAL.....and thats what matters.

I love you Christian, today and forever. 

See you soon......

March 7, 2008

****Please be forewarned that this post is very detailed and may be considered by some to be of a graphic nature. However, its my story, and the only way for me to tell it, is to tell it just the way it happened. I promised God I would not be afraid or hesitant to tell this story, so that other people who have been through the same thing, can know they are not alone. And earth truly does have no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.*******

It was a Thursday evening and the day had gone like most Thursdays at the time. Id gone to a meeting at work wearing a fitted shirt that read, "I'm a Believer", stretched just a bit over my tummy which was beginning to poke out. I felt a little strange and a bit crampy, but honestly, you feel alot of strange things when you're pregnant. If you were worried at the feeling of each pain or uncomfortableness you'd constantly be calling your doctor. 

As the day wore on I felt "spacey", meaning at times I remember feeling like I was dizzy, losing my balance, or as if the room was spinning around me. My blood pressure and temperature were normal so I didnt suspect anything. 

That evening as I was preparing dinner (spaghetti to be exact), I felt like something was being drained from my body. I was listless and overwhelmed with sickness that seemed to stem from every part of my body. Th tv was blaring, my son was playing with his toys, and the food was cooking normally, but every sound seemed magnified. 

Once my husband came home from work he suggested I spend some time in the shower and perhaps that would help. Thats the first time I saw it; the brown spotting. it was there when I wiped, there in my underwear, and it was somewhat constant. I was immediately afraid. I had bled with Canaan at 8 weeks, heavy bleeding in fact, and as God would have it there was nothing wrong and Canaan came here months later healthy and whole. 

I hoped this incident would turn out the same. 

I barely slept that night. I was so uncomfortable. Light cramps and short pulses of lower back pain. By the time I woke up in the morning the spotting had turned red and my doctor insisted that I come in for an immediate ultrasound. 

When I laid on the table and the ultrasound technician searched for a heartbeat, I knew there was something wrong. The screen was facing her and not once did she turn it our direction. When finished she said, "Dr. Robinson will see you in just a few minutes and explain the results of your ultrasound". Not once did she looks me in my eye. 

We waited in the waiting room to see the doctor, and while I was sitting there with Ben holding my hand, I felt life leave me. I looked hopelessly around the room at all the other pregnant women and wondered if any other woman in that room could look at me and tell my baby was gone. 

Moments later, my doctor confirmed our deepest fear. Somehow our baby's heart had stopped beating and his lady body lay dead inside of me. I screamed in literal terror. It was not grief or pain that first gripped me; it was terror. I felt lost and alone and I did not feel God anywhere near me. I looked ay my husband in horror, and he was overwhelmed with disbelief and the gigantic loss of our child. 

it took me awhile to calm down and my doctor held my hand the entire time. She looked me straight in my eyes and said, "Kelli, I know how much you wanted this baby. But look at your beautiful boy. He's healthy and beautiful so we know that everything inside of you works.....then she grabbed my face and with the voice of an angel she said, "AND WE KNOW THAT ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR OUR GOOD"......

There He was. There was my God. Speakiing his word to me even in the midst of my greatest loss.

A d & c was scheduled for that following monday as it was a friday and almost early afternoon by this time. I insisted that my doctor perform the surgery so I was willing to wait until the following week. 

In the car the only person I could call was my mother, who sobbed uncontrollably. I sent out a text to all my friends. The only thing I could think to say was, "Our baby is gone. "

Ben and I gripped each others hands the entire way home with tears streaming down our faces. We didnt realize this was only the beginning...........

Time Out

Today I'm taking a "time out" from the every day ups and downs and ins and outs. For the next hour I've decided my greatest struggle doesn't exist. I'm not anxious, worrying, doubtful, fearful, or beating myself up. For the next hour I am FREE!!!!!

 This all started this morning when I woke up and was greeted by my issues and worries, shortcomings and bills, strengths and weaknesses, all at once. Just as I began to cry the Holy Spirit nudged me and I felt him whisper this to me. "Just try me...........take a break from trying to fix everything.....just try me. "  Capitol idea, I thought. But seeing that worry and anxiety have become a part of my actual being over the last few years, I knew it would be kind of hard to just "snap out of it." So I set a reasonable goal. For the next hour....I AM FREE. 

To some this may be silly. Worry and anxiety may not be your worst enemies. Maybe it's easy for you to accept God grace and mercy daily. But condemnation is a constant foe of mine. When I feel I've let God down, or even if bills overwhelm me, or things don't work out like I expected, it effects every part of my life. I lose inspiration. I become afraid and defensive. I stop praying. I began to feel helpless. 

But I love how God's word is alive and can speak loudly to our situations. 

"He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;" Psalm 103 :10-11

I once heard someone say faith is like a muscle...its got to be exercised. Life has thrown a many curve balls my direction the last 2 years and my faith has taken a beating. But today I'm putting on my workout clothes and Im exercising my faith. Who knows this hour of relief may lead to a new way of life....TRUE FREEDOM!!!!

 

Just another Manic Monday

I woke up this morning in a BAD mood. I was in the midst of a misunderstanding with a dear friend, and the whole thing has exhausted me emotionally. I HATE to be misunderstood, and I HATE to know that I have not taken the time or energy necessary to truly understand someone.
I felt bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness rising up in me, instead of the love I had asked God to stir up within me. All these self-centered emotions tried to overtake my mind, and fighting them left me mentally tired.

If that weren't enough, one of my childhood friends gave birth to a beautiful baby boy today. I was thrilled for her and her husband. But my heart was grieving as well. Our due dates were 2 weeks apart. The birth of her 2nd son reminded me that I had lost my 2nd son in March. Today, I would've been 38 weeks pregnant. I would've been round, irritable, disgustingly hot and uncomfortable, and I would've been so happy to be that way. It was a bittersweet moment; thanking God for bringing baby Nathaniel into this world safely; but also asking God to continue to comfort me in the loss of my son Christian.

By this evening when my friend called, I was a wreck. It was only the grace of God that we were able to plow through our differences and come to a resolve. Granted it, neither one of us agreed with the other's perception; nevertheless we came to a resolve.

Its been a rough day for me. But somewhere someone didn't have anything to eat. Somewhere a person lost their job. Somewhere a person was physically abused by a spouse or significant other. Someone died today.

And here I am...
with a roof over my head
a job
a beautiful son
a loving husband
just enough food in the fridge
and Im alive.

Thank you God for bringing me through this day. I couldn't have made it without you

Christian and Jesus

In the months since I miscarried, I've endured a lot of emotional ups and downs.
I've tried to keep my pain hidden; for the sake of those around me.
Let's face it; grief is uncomfortable for people to deal with.
I knew that although the wound was still fresh to me, others had moved on and had possibly even forgot about my miscarriage.

In the last few days things had been especially difficult for me.
Since that day in March, 3 of my friends have had beautiful, healthy babies.
It doesn't hurt at all to see them or hold them.
It doesn't hurt to rejoice with my friends and celebrate their happiness.
It hurts when I lay my hand on my own belly that should be well with child.
It hurts when I think of this coming September, and the excitement I felt at the thought of yet again giving birth.
It hurts when Canaan remembers and touches my stomach and says, "Is the baby in there?"

But today....it doesn't hurt.
Today my heart is overjoyed at the reality of it all.

I was reading in this book "The Shack" today, and ever since I picked it up, it has changed my life piece by piece. You see, my love language is WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. I am most moved when people take the time to tell me in detail why they care about me, or what they see in me, or how much they love me. And this book is like one, giant, love letter to me from God. It is changing me. And today I even felt his love heal me.

In this story, a man loses his youngest daughter to a heinous crime. It rips through him like a saw, and puts a rift between him and God. Somehow (you'll have to read the book to find out how), he has this amazing encounter with God, and as God begins to reveal himself to this man, he is changed and restored. In this particular passage this man has a chance to see his daughter, and although he cannot touch her, he weeps with joy at this sight.....

"Just then someone called Missy's name and Mack recognized the voice. She shrieked with delight and started to run....Abruptly she stopped and ran back to her daddy. She made a big embrace as if she were hugging him and, with eyes closed, overexaggerated a kiss. From the barrier he hugged her back...........

And now Mack could clearly see the voice that had called his Missy. It was Jesus....Without hesitation Missy leaped into his arms.....The voicing of their joy was a symphony to Mack's ears, and as he watched, his tears flowed freely."

A few days after the miscarriage I had a dream of my son. He had the biggest black, curly locks, and large bright eyes. His skin was the color of copper. He was running in a field of what looked like tall grass and daisies. He kept turning back to smile at me, and I even heard him laugh.

Now...to read this passage , and to recall that dream, I now understand.

I may have never experienced the joy of being his mother here on this earth. But I never "lost " him.
My son, My Christian is LITERALLY with Jesus. I mean, how much more could I ask for? He'll never taste of the pain this world sometimes brings. All he knows is the joy of being loved by Jesus.

Yes, I am crying.
Yes, I miss him deeply.
But my heart is full of joy knowing that Jesus knows my pain and grief,
and he does not judge me for it, or wish that I'd get over it.

But instead, he gave me a glimpse of his love today.

My Christian is with Jesus.