Kelli. in real life

I Get By With a Little Help From my SISTERS

Meet my sisters.

Up top is "Babe Cooper" and here below is "Babe Knight".

They're not my buddies. 

They're not my friends.

They're not my pals.

They're my sisters. 

Babe Cooper and I have been sisters for 6 years or so. We met when I started singing background for Dorinda Clark Cole, and immediately became close. On the day of my wedding, she was the last person I saw before I walked down the aisle with my father. She cried with me, rejoiced with me, and today is blessed with a wonderful husband and daughter. 

Babe Knight and I have been sisters for less than 2 years, but it feels like forever. Ours was an ironic meeting at a live recording on which we both sang. We didn't keep in touch like we promised, but a year later connected again, and have been stuck like glue ever since. Ours is a spiritual connection; divinely orchestrated.

As fate, or God would have it; Babe Knight and Babe Cooper hit it off right away, and now all of us are inseparable. 

Today I went to Babe Cooper's house to get my hair done. We were on a three way speaker phone call with Babe Knight (who lives in Cali) and I began to be transparent and tell my sisters that I was afraid. I told them how I couldn't stop thinking about the miscarriage in March, and how it was taking everything within me to believe that the baby I'm carrying inside of me now is alive and well. 

Babe Cooper immediately said, "Babe...I believe everything's ok. At church on Sunday I was praising God and thanking Him in advance for this healthy baby you're going to have. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE GOD"

Babe Knight chimed in and said, "You have to speak the word to your mind and tell your mind to tell your body to line up with the Word of God. Don't allow what may be a reality that yes you lost a baby, to dictate to you that you're going to lose this one. We're going to believe that this baby is alive and well and you're going to have a healthy pregnancy."

Then because Babe Knight was at a church function she went into many salutations and blessings with people around her. Babe Cooper and I had a field day teasing her about her "meet and greet". 

A normal conversation. A normal banter of mockery back and forth. A normal exchange of sisterly love and laughter. 

But yet, I drove home with tears pouring down my face. 

I am SO BLESSED to have TRUE sisters, who although not my blood have been joined to me through the covenant of Christ. They wouldn't let me fall today. They didn't pat my back and baby my emotions.

 They spoke the WORD and helped me to stand on it. 

Once home, I grabbed a book I read regularly called "Supernatural Childbirth". I began to read and recite the scriptures listed inside and I came to this ...FEAR is F(alse) E(vidence) A(bout) R(eality).

Everything my sisters had spoken to me today was confirmed. 

I will spend the rest of the day reciting and meditating on Gods promises and thanking Him for sisters who care enough to remind me of those promises. 

Time Out

Today I'm taking a "time out" from the every day ups and downs and ins and outs. For the next hour I've decided my greatest struggle doesn't exist. I'm not anxious, worrying, doubtful, fearful, or beating myself up. For the next hour I am FREE!!!!!

 This all started this morning when I woke up and was greeted by my issues and worries, shortcomings and bills, strengths and weaknesses, all at once. Just as I began to cry the Holy Spirit nudged me and I felt him whisper this to me. "Just try me...........take a break from trying to fix everything.....just try me. "  Capitol idea, I thought. But seeing that worry and anxiety have become a part of my actual being over the last few years, I knew it would be kind of hard to just "snap out of it." So I set a reasonable goal. For the next hour....I AM FREE. 

To some this may be silly. Worry and anxiety may not be your worst enemies. Maybe it's easy for you to accept God grace and mercy daily. But condemnation is a constant foe of mine. When I feel I've let God down, or even if bills overwhelm me, or things don't work out like I expected, it effects every part of my life. I lose inspiration. I become afraid and defensive. I stop praying. I began to feel helpless. 

But I love how God's word is alive and can speak loudly to our situations. 

"He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;" Psalm 103 :10-11

I once heard someone say faith is like a muscle...its got to be exercised. Life has thrown a many curve balls my direction the last 2 years and my faith has taken a beating. But today I'm putting on my workout clothes and Im exercising my faith. Who knows this hour of relief may lead to a new way of life....TRUE FREEDOM!!!!

 

Think..... A Response

On Sunday afternoon, I returned from visiting family out of state for the holidays. I was tired, overloaded mentally, and was starting to feel physically bad as well. My husband took our 2 year old to visit some of his family that we didn't see over the holiday, and I opted to crawl under the covers and pop in a movie. My choice : Autumn Hearts, starring Susan Sarandon. 

I'm a movie buff. Occasionally I enjoy the hysteria of a laugh out loud comedy or a hold on to your seat action flick, but for the most part I am drawn to the drama genre. You know the kind of movie that leaves you breathless or overwhelmed with tears, or thinking so hard afterwards that your brow is folded into a frown? Love those movies. 

Knowing how "fragile" I was after the long drive, I should've known better than to watch this movie. It was a tale of 2 children separated from their families and thrown into concentration camps. Years later they are reunited not only with each other, but also with the older man that protected them during their time in the camps and gave them hope. 

After all the years of torture, heartbreak, and unanswered questions, Susan Sarandon's character is quite scarred. She marries a professor who doesn't necessarily love her, but rather tolerates her and provides for her. She has a son and grandson whom are the loves of her life, but she's so consumed by the hurt of the past that she can not truly live. 

While looking at her life and all the broken pieces that make it up, she stares blankly at herself in the mirror; reflecting on the years passed, the affairs she's certain her husband is having, the love she lost, and the person she has unintentionally become and she says these words.......

If you ask me if I believe in God.....forgive me if I respond, Does God believe in me?"

I gasped out loud. 

It was that moment in the movie when you completely connect with the character, the script, the setting, and the feeling and forget that it's only a movie. 

I have felt this way many times this year. It's quite easy for me to believe in God. I know nothing else. But many times I have felt that God doesn't believe in me. 

This year I have not only lost a child, but held that small fetus in my hands. 

I have wept until my eyes would not open. 

I've been told it's possible I may not be able to conceive a child again. (Although, I do not believe this to be true)

I've dreamed of my sweet son Christian dancing in the arms of Jesus, and while it has brought me happiness to know he is with Jesus, I will never forget that I never had the chance to hear him call me "Mommy".

i've been disappointed this year. 

People who have told me they believed in me and made promises to me have vanished, or conveniently found more important things to do, or younger prodigies to pour into. 

I've been built up to be let down. 

I've felt depression kiss the nape of my neck time and time again, and it's only been God's grace that I have not succumbed to its haunting touch. 

I've been misunderstood. overlooked. and its worn on me. 

I thought on this quote, and I thought of how often our circumstances and feelings tell us that there is no hope, not enough love for us, no place for us, and that we are truly lost without an option to be found. 

Then I read this,

WE HIDE. HE SEEKS. WE BRING SIN. HE BRINGS A SACRIFICE. WE TRY FIG LEAVES. HE BRINGS THE ROBE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS. AND WE ARE LEFT TO SING THE SONG OF A PROPHET:

HE HAS COVERED ME WITH CLOTHES OF SALVATION AND WRAPPED ME WITH A COAT OF GOODNESS. LIKE A BRIDEGROOM DRESSED FOR HIS WEDDING, LIKE A BRIDE DRESSED IN JEWELS.( Isaiah 61:10)

I will not lie and say these words made everything ok. But they gave me hope and a solution for my problem. It is through God's love that I can be restored, healed, forgiven, and enabled to forgive. 

Too often as believers we are made to feel that our problems are not real, our feelings, not valid, our hurt not significantly deep. I have come to find that by feeling and acknowledging my issues, I can in turn acknowledge and realize I have a God who is touched by the feeling of my infirmities, and through His great compassion and unfailing love, I can be whole. 

Thank God .....He believes in me. 

Just another Manic Monday

I woke up this morning in a BAD mood. I was in the midst of a misunderstanding with a dear friend, and the whole thing has exhausted me emotionally. I HATE to be misunderstood, and I HATE to know that I have not taken the time or energy necessary to truly understand someone.
I felt bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness rising up in me, instead of the love I had asked God to stir up within me. All these self-centered emotions tried to overtake my mind, and fighting them left me mentally tired.

If that weren't enough, one of my childhood friends gave birth to a beautiful baby boy today. I was thrilled for her and her husband. But my heart was grieving as well. Our due dates were 2 weeks apart. The birth of her 2nd son reminded me that I had lost my 2nd son in March. Today, I would've been 38 weeks pregnant. I would've been round, irritable, disgustingly hot and uncomfortable, and I would've been so happy to be that way. It was a bittersweet moment; thanking God for bringing baby Nathaniel into this world safely; but also asking God to continue to comfort me in the loss of my son Christian.

By this evening when my friend called, I was a wreck. It was only the grace of God that we were able to plow through our differences and come to a resolve. Granted it, neither one of us agreed with the other's perception; nevertheless we came to a resolve.

Its been a rough day for me. But somewhere someone didn't have anything to eat. Somewhere a person lost their job. Somewhere a person was physically abused by a spouse or significant other. Someone died today.

And here I am...
with a roof over my head
a job
a beautiful son
a loving husband
just enough food in the fridge
and Im alive.

Thank you God for bringing me through this day. I couldn't have made it without you

Homebody or Social Butterfly???

The last 2 weeks or so, I've been putting in some extra hours at work. We've got a few things coming up that require a little extra money. Instead of expecting my husband to "hand it all over', I've been doing what I can to bring in some extra revenue so we can move(in a few weeks), get some new furniture (thank God), and I'm supposed to go away with a friend for a week. (yay for mommy!)

In my free time, I've noticed I've been out and about more than usual. I'm normally the type that likes to be at home, curled up in front of the tv or reading a book; just relaxing and being quiet. (Well as quiet as quiet can be with a 2 year old).

Lately, I've been meeting up with friends for coffee, going to the movies, having playdates, or just venturing out on my own more often. It's not that I'm a shy person (the thought of me being shy is hilarious), nor am I quite the loner. But the truth is, I actually don't mind being a lone. Biologically, I'm an only child, so I'm used to entertaining myself.

What I've noticed is that the last 2 weeks have been emotional and filled with lots of ups and downs. Some of those "downs" are still kind of "up" in the air. There's been death, overdue bills, misunderstandings with loved ones, etc. Both my husband and I have sort of "taken turns" finding outlets to keep us sane. He's been playing at gigs, and indulging in a few rock band challenges with some friends. I've had more "coffee and/or movie" dates more than ever. And together as a couple, we've enjoyed fellowship with other christian couples.

It's a weird season in our lives, but both us have found strength by managing our time well, communicating honestly, and having some good, healthy fun.

How about you? When life throw's you a curve ball do you tend to stay home, or do you come out of your cocoon and socialize to keep your mind off things?

I CRAM to understand you

This is MC Lyte.
I was first introduced to rap music by sneaking into my older cousins room when some of his friends were visiting. The "boom box" was up on his dresser drawer, and he and his friends were break dancing in the middle of the floor. I couldn't understand any of the lyrics except these...J-just like a test I cram to understand you. From that day on, I wanted to be like MC Lyte. I saved up my allowance to sneak and buy one of her tapes (parental advisory stamped boldly across the front cover). My parents listened to some secular music like Michael McDonald, Patti Labelle, Phil Collins, and Anita Baker,but as for me, I was only allowed to listen to gospel or christian music until I was about 15.

I knew nothing about the "ghetto" or "BROOKLYN" or this random guy named "sam" that she talked about, but something about her music was so cool to me.

**I have to say that as a teenager I did not know MC Lyte was a lesbian. Had I have known that I'm sure I would've chosen someone else to "be like".******

Today, I was thinking about a situation I've recently found myself in with someone I hold dear to my heart. A misunderstanding caused a rift between us, and naturally I've taken sometime to reflect on my own actions and thoughts. For some odd reason this rap kept coming in my mind.

J-just like a test...j-just like a test, j-just like a test, I CRAM TO UNDERSTAND YOU.

Do you remember what it was like to CRAM for a test? You stayed up the night before a test you weren't prepared for trying to shove all the information you possibly could into your brain. I can recall cramming so much once that I just broke into tears, because I realized there was no way I was going to remember all the information necessary to pass the test.

I thought about relationships in general, and how each of us is created with different "wiring" if you will. Likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, talents and strengths, problems and issues. Yet, when we "relate" to someone; that means there is a common thread somewhere that knits us together, and holds us close to one another.

In order for me to "relate" to those I love communication, understanding, and honesty play huge parts. I can't expect for someone to read my mind and know how I feel unless I tell them. I can't expect for an issue to be truly resolved unless clarity is brought through conversation. I can't claim that I love someone and lie to them about the things they need to change and vice versa.

I reflect on this song in such a random way. We are all God's creation but we are constantly evolving. Life's lessons cause us to grow, mature, and change on a regular basis. Sometimes we need to step back from ourselves, and take the time to "CRAM TO UNDERSTAND" those we care about. It's not about convenience, or even what we "feel like" necessarily. Commitment....relationship....love is about unselfishness.

I've been told I love hard. I'd lay down my life for someone I consider my "family". That sometimes leave's me in a vulnerable place, and I often get hurt by those who take advantage of me. But this is me. Sappy, sentimental, loyal, forgiving, straightforward, but gentle. I can't be anyone but myself.

And tonight as I reflect on those I am committed to , I can make this promise, in spite of the hurt I may feel.
Just like a test.......I CRAM TO UNDERSTAND YOU....and this is one test, Im determined to pass.

This is me, Kelli, in real life.