Kelli. in real life

Time Out

Today I'm taking a "time out" from the every day ups and downs and ins and outs. For the next hour I've decided my greatest struggle doesn't exist. I'm not anxious, worrying, doubtful, fearful, or beating myself up. For the next hour I am FREE!!!!!

 This all started this morning when I woke up and was greeted by my issues and worries, shortcomings and bills, strengths and weaknesses, all at once. Just as I began to cry the Holy Spirit nudged me and I felt him whisper this to me. "Just try me...........take a break from trying to fix everything.....just try me. "  Capitol idea, I thought. But seeing that worry and anxiety have become a part of my actual being over the last few years, I knew it would be kind of hard to just "snap out of it." So I set a reasonable goal. For the next hour....I AM FREE. 

To some this may be silly. Worry and anxiety may not be your worst enemies. Maybe it's easy for you to accept God grace and mercy daily. But condemnation is a constant foe of mine. When I feel I've let God down, or even if bills overwhelm me, or things don't work out like I expected, it effects every part of my life. I lose inspiration. I become afraid and defensive. I stop praying. I began to feel helpless. 

But I love how God's word is alive and can speak loudly to our situations. 

"He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;" Psalm 103 :10-11

I once heard someone say faith is like a muscle...its got to be exercised. Life has thrown a many curve balls my direction the last 2 years and my faith has taken a beating. But today I'm putting on my workout clothes and Im exercising my faith. Who knows this hour of relief may lead to a new way of life....TRUE FREEDOM!!!!

 

Think..... A Response

On Sunday afternoon, I returned from visiting family out of state for the holidays. I was tired, overloaded mentally, and was starting to feel physically bad as well. My husband took our 2 year old to visit some of his family that we didn't see over the holiday, and I opted to crawl under the covers and pop in a movie. My choice : Autumn Hearts, starring Susan Sarandon. 

I'm a movie buff. Occasionally I enjoy the hysteria of a laugh out loud comedy or a hold on to your seat action flick, but for the most part I am drawn to the drama genre. You know the kind of movie that leaves you breathless or overwhelmed with tears, or thinking so hard afterwards that your brow is folded into a frown? Love those movies. 

Knowing how "fragile" I was after the long drive, I should've known better than to watch this movie. It was a tale of 2 children separated from their families and thrown into concentration camps. Years later they are reunited not only with each other, but also with the older man that protected them during their time in the camps and gave them hope. 

After all the years of torture, heartbreak, and unanswered questions, Susan Sarandon's character is quite scarred. She marries a professor who doesn't necessarily love her, but rather tolerates her and provides for her. She has a son and grandson whom are the loves of her life, but she's so consumed by the hurt of the past that she can not truly live. 

While looking at her life and all the broken pieces that make it up, she stares blankly at herself in the mirror; reflecting on the years passed, the affairs she's certain her husband is having, the love she lost, and the person she has unintentionally become and she says these words.......

If you ask me if I believe in God.....forgive me if I respond, Does God believe in me?"

I gasped out loud. 

It was that moment in the movie when you completely connect with the character, the script, the setting, and the feeling and forget that it's only a movie. 

I have felt this way many times this year. It's quite easy for me to believe in God. I know nothing else. But many times I have felt that God doesn't believe in me. 

This year I have not only lost a child, but held that small fetus in my hands. 

I have wept until my eyes would not open. 

I've been told it's possible I may not be able to conceive a child again. (Although, I do not believe this to be true)

I've dreamed of my sweet son Christian dancing in the arms of Jesus, and while it has brought me happiness to know he is with Jesus, I will never forget that I never had the chance to hear him call me "Mommy".

i've been disappointed this year. 

People who have told me they believed in me and made promises to me have vanished, or conveniently found more important things to do, or younger prodigies to pour into. 

I've been built up to be let down. 

I've felt depression kiss the nape of my neck time and time again, and it's only been God's grace that I have not succumbed to its haunting touch. 

I've been misunderstood. overlooked. and its worn on me. 

I thought on this quote, and I thought of how often our circumstances and feelings tell us that there is no hope, not enough love for us, no place for us, and that we are truly lost without an option to be found. 

Then I read this,

WE HIDE. HE SEEKS. WE BRING SIN. HE BRINGS A SACRIFICE. WE TRY FIG LEAVES. HE BRINGS THE ROBE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS. AND WE ARE LEFT TO SING THE SONG OF A PROPHET:

HE HAS COVERED ME WITH CLOTHES OF SALVATION AND WRAPPED ME WITH A COAT OF GOODNESS. LIKE A BRIDEGROOM DRESSED FOR HIS WEDDING, LIKE A BRIDE DRESSED IN JEWELS.( Isaiah 61:10)

I will not lie and say these words made everything ok. But they gave me hope and a solution for my problem. It is through God's love that I can be restored, healed, forgiven, and enabled to forgive. 

Too often as believers we are made to feel that our problems are not real, our feelings, not valid, our hurt not significantly deep. I have come to find that by feeling and acknowledging my issues, I can in turn acknowledge and realize I have a God who is touched by the feeling of my infirmities, and through His great compassion and unfailing love, I can be whole. 

Thank God .....He believes in me. 

Just another Manic Monday

I woke up this morning in a BAD mood. I was in the midst of a misunderstanding with a dear friend, and the whole thing has exhausted me emotionally. I HATE to be misunderstood, and I HATE to know that I have not taken the time or energy necessary to truly understand someone.
I felt bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness rising up in me, instead of the love I had asked God to stir up within me. All these self-centered emotions tried to overtake my mind, and fighting them left me mentally tired.

If that weren't enough, one of my childhood friends gave birth to a beautiful baby boy today. I was thrilled for her and her husband. But my heart was grieving as well. Our due dates were 2 weeks apart. The birth of her 2nd son reminded me that I had lost my 2nd son in March. Today, I would've been 38 weeks pregnant. I would've been round, irritable, disgustingly hot and uncomfortable, and I would've been so happy to be that way. It was a bittersweet moment; thanking God for bringing baby Nathaniel into this world safely; but also asking God to continue to comfort me in the loss of my son Christian.

By this evening when my friend called, I was a wreck. It was only the grace of God that we were able to plow through our differences and come to a resolve. Granted it, neither one of us agreed with the other's perception; nevertheless we came to a resolve.

Its been a rough day for me. But somewhere someone didn't have anything to eat. Somewhere a person lost their job. Somewhere a person was physically abused by a spouse or significant other. Someone died today.

And here I am...
with a roof over my head
a job
a beautiful son
a loving husband
just enough food in the fridge
and Im alive.

Thank you God for bringing me through this day. I couldn't have made it without you

A Rose for Ruthie

Last week I got a call that shook me on the inside.
My cousin Ruth (known as Ruthie to me) took her own life.
She was 24.

My cousin Trina (Ruthie's sister) is only a year or 2 older than me, so naturally I was closer to her. But Ruthie belonged to all of us. There are 5 of us cousins, all girls, right around the same age, that spent summers together, talked about boys together, had pillow fights, got in trouble together, and loved each other like sisters instead of cousins. Ruthie was so much younger that we often left her out; but we loved her to pieces. She would whine when we left her out, and follow us around until we finally paid her attention.

Ruthie was lovable. She had a giant, infectious smile that would literally light up a room.

My heart is broken tonight when I think of her smile. I wish that our familys love for her would've been enough to keep her here. I wish that she had known God in a more personal way, and that His love had overshadowed the darkness she may have felt and seen all around her.

Death has a way of reminding us of what's important. I'm a verbal person. I don't have a hard time telling those I care about that I love them, or enjoy them being a part of my life. I'm pretty affectionate. I love hard: sometimes to a fault. Ruthie and I were alike in that way. She always said I love you, even if she had told you moments before. In fact those were her last words. "I Love You" sent by a mass text message just before she took her life.

Today I felt faint as I sat quietly at the funeral, I thought of the day and time we live in. We are pressed on every side as the bible says. There are so many silent battles people are facing on a daily basis. Many people are one step away from suicide, depression, or even insanity. What if something I said; a song I sang, or just my presence could be used by God to "grab" someone JUST before they let go?

I want to be used as a "life-saver". A tool that God tosses out into a deep ocean to save someone who is drowning.

I wish I had been there for Ruthie.

Ruth, here's a rose for you. A beautiful rose to express to you how much you had inside of you. So many layers; but so much beauty.

I will miss you.

~Kelli Rose