Kelli. in real life

Songs That Pulled Me Through....(song #1)

As a music lover, songwriter, worship leader; it is often music that speaks to me when Im going through a trial. I love Gods word, and more and more I'm appreciating the fact that it is ALIVE! In my personal life one of the ways I've seen it most come to life is through song. 

So I decided to start a series of posts about songs that have literally pulled me through some of my greatest trials and tests of my faith. 

It was early June of 2005 and I was 9 weeks pregnant with my first child. I had gotten married the previous December and was just getting used to juggling my marriage, my activities and responsibilities at church, and my traveling schedule. (At the time I sang with urban gospel recording artist Deitrick Haddon and gospel legend Dorinda Clark Cole.) 

At just 8 weeks pregnant, I began spotting. I was fearful that I was in the process of miscarrying. Much to our surprise, we went to the dr. for an ultrasound and there was son my son; like a little tadpole but with a strong, clear heartbeat. "You're fine" the ultrasound technician told me. I cried tears of joy.

To my surprise, the bleeding didnt stop. I left the next week on a 3 day concert schedule to Vegas, California, and finally Houston with Deitrick and the rest of the camp. By the time we got to Knotts Berry Farm in California, I was bleeding heavily. Between our soundcheck and concert time, I laid in the bed and cried because I was certain I was losing my baby. I didnt tell anyone on the road about what was happening, but I called my husband back home. It was difficult for both of us not knowing what was going on and hoping for the best. 

By the time we got to Houston (the 3rd city in our 4 days stretch) I was exhausted physically and assuming I had lost my baby. Karen Clark Sheard was also on the same "ticket" as us. We connected before the concert and I remember breaking down in tears in her room. "I think I lost the baby." She hugged me and told me if I had, there was nothing I could do but trust God to give me another baby and take care of me in the midst of my sorrow. As I left the room her last words were, "Niece; that baby is fine."

I'd love to say I believed her and walked out of there feeling empowered, but I was convinced of the worst. Once on stage I sang and I moved, but my heart wasn't in it. My heart was breaking and I was consumed by it. Until we got to this song..."GOD DIDNT GIVE UP ON ME". At the time it was a song we didnt sing often. Deitrick's album Crossroads was still a few months from release, so most people were hearing this song for the 1st time. As we began to sing the song, I literally felt like a weight was being pulled off of my shoulders. I love the entire song, but it was once we got to the bridge and vamp that I felt the overwhelming sense of Gods presence. 

"He'll never. No Never. Never let me fall.

When I need you I can call you, call you GOD! GOD! OH! OH!"

Simple words, but out of the sincerity of my heart I felt that as I was calling out to God with the fervency of my heart, He was responding to me with the assurance of His presence. The word was ALIVE. "Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord SHALL BE SAVED!!!!"(Acts 2:21) I called and He answered.

"God didn't give up on me, God didn't give on me. 

When I gave up, He didnt let me go.

When I messed up, He restored my soul.

Oh, it was God, that didnt give up."

I danced and jumped and worshiped and cried, knowing that my baby; in spite of what it looked like, was just fine. January 2006 I was holding my son in my arms as proof that what God promised that day had truly come to pass. 

I heard someone say once that music doesn't save souls. I beg to differ. The power of God is not confined to a sermon, or a particular person. God has a way of reaching his children by whatever means will reach them in the quickest and most effective way. For me its music; and that day this song was my bridge to God to get just what I needed. 

"God Didn't Give Up On Me"

Deitrick Haddon

Crossroads~released Sept 05

Running to you......

Im writing this post from the basement of a place we've only lived 6 months. Honestly, until the last 8-12 weeks its been a very peaceful place to live, and Ive enjoyed some wonderful times here. Lots of space, a nice patio for reading, watching my son play, or having a bbq (which we never got to do.)

today, all our stuff has been packed up and we're moving it into storage. Im saying goodbye to this place, and all the things I loved and hated about being here. Its a rough day emotionally for me.

In April, my husband took a job in California working for a ministry. We've been excited since day ! as God has been preparing us mentally and spiritually to move for almost 2 years. In January 2008 an evangelist told me she saw us moving. She said there was going to be a huge decision coming our way; probably the greatest decision we'd ever make. She said my husband was called to be a great man of faith like Abraham, but he was currently living like Abram. (abrahams name before God chnaged his name). She said this decision would mark the change in his faith and name, and until he walked through this huge door and moved in obedience, he would always be Abram, and I in turn would always be Sarai. (Sarai represents Abrahams wife when she was barren. Unable to conceive and bear a child). In oreder for us to walk into our God given destiny, a change, a decision, a move was inevitable.

So here we are on the cusp of what we believe is a huge change for the better for our family and ministries. Since that time we have received numerous prophecies about moving and changing, and stepping out in faith to do what God has called us to do. We've rejoiced and sowed seeds in faith, believeing that we were walking in Gods will by moving to Caifornia.

Since that time we have faced more resistance and setback than you could imagine. If I started to tell you, I'd remember another thing, and another thing that we've been through until this post would seem like one huge complaint, rather than a cry out to God in faith from right where we are. 2 days before we moved into this place i found out I was pregnant, and just 2 weeks later I was placed on bedrest off and on for the 1st 4 months of pregnancy. That in and of itself was a great test of faith for me as I had just experinced a miscarriage at 3 months pregnant last March. I was frightened, sick, doubtful, and very anxious. It was only Gods presence and constant reminders through the love of friends and family that got me through that time.

Now Im 31 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. My body is in great shape, and Im physically feeling stronger than at any other time in this pregnancy. But my mind and emotions are worn.

Since Im no longer working, we set out to sell my car and other valuable items in order to have the necessary monies for traveling expenses, security deposit, and the initial living expenses of our move to California. The buyer I had for my car backed out 2 days before the sale, my valuables still sit unsold, we still havent secured housing in california, and did I mention Im 31 weeks pregnant?

MANY times we've thought, perhaps this isnt what God wants us to do. And every time, someone randomly sends a card, an email or stops us in the store to tell us we're in Gods will.

So why is it so hard? Isnt Gods perfect will supposed to be easy and peaceful?

As my husband and friends are carrying out pieces of furniture, boxes of clothes and utensils, my heart is heavy. We're moving in with my husbands parents in hopes that things will fall into place sometime this week. It feels like Im homeless, fighting an army of millions, and carrying a weight thats much too heavy for me. But somewhere deep within me, something tells me, breakthrough is just around the corner.

In May I taught at a womens retreat and the Lord gave me a word about breakthrough. A true BREAKTHROUGH is like a BREAK IN. When someone breaks in your home or car, its a VIOLENT entry; almost by any means necessary. They use force, they use strategy, and they do it quickly and suddenly. The Lord told me then THAT is how our breakthrough was going to come. SUDDENLY. BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. VIOLENTLY.

Resitance. uncertainty. lack. questions. I believe God is going to break through all of that and show Himself strong in our life, but for some reason Hes seen fit to take us through somewhat of a desert in order to receive from Him.

At this point, my fears could easily outweigh my hope. Ive cried enough tears to fill a lake at least. But my heart has still determined to reach out to God.

Today, heavy and all Lord....Im running to you. You are my only help, my only shield, my great provider, my refuge and strength. HIde me in your grace. Let your love be so greatly felt in my life until the fear fades away.

Im running to you......