****Please be forewarned that this post is very detailed and may be considered by some to be of a graphic nature. However, its my story, and the only way for me to tell it, is to tell it just the way it happened. I promised God I would not be afraid or hesitant to tell this story, so that other people who have been through the same thing, can know they are not alone. And earth truly does have no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.*******
It was a Thursday evening and the day had gone like most Thursdays at the time. Id gone to a meeting at work wearing a fitted shirt that read, "I'm a Believer", stretched just a bit over my tummy which was beginning to poke out. I felt a little strange and a bit crampy, but honestly, you feel alot of strange things when you're pregnant. If you were worried at the feeling of each pain or uncomfortableness you'd constantly be calling your doctor.
As the day wore on I felt "spacey", meaning at times I remember feeling like I was dizzy, losing my balance, or as if the room was spinning around me. My blood pressure and temperature were normal so I didnt suspect anything.
That evening as I was preparing dinner (spaghetti to be exact), I felt like something was being drained from my body. I was listless and overwhelmed with sickness that seemed to stem from every part of my body. Th tv was blaring, my son was playing with his toys, and the food was cooking normally, but every sound seemed magnified.
Once my husband came home from work he suggested I spend some time in the shower and perhaps that would help. Thats the first time I saw it; the brown spotting. it was there when I wiped, there in my underwear, and it was somewhat constant. I was immediately afraid. I had bled with Canaan at 8 weeks, heavy bleeding in fact, and as God would have it there was nothing wrong and Canaan came here months later healthy and whole.
I hoped this incident would turn out the same.
I barely slept that night. I was so uncomfortable. Light cramps and short pulses of lower back pain. By the time I woke up in the morning the spotting had turned red and my doctor insisted that I come in for an immediate ultrasound.
When I laid on the table and the ultrasound technician searched for a heartbeat, I knew there was something wrong. The screen was facing her and not once did she turn it our direction. When finished she said, "Dr. Robinson will see you in just a few minutes and explain the results of your ultrasound". Not once did she looks me in my eye.
We waited in the waiting room to see the doctor, and while I was sitting there with Ben holding my hand, I felt life leave me. I looked hopelessly around the room at all the other pregnant women and wondered if any other woman in that room could look at me and tell my baby was gone.
Moments later, my doctor confirmed our deepest fear. Somehow our baby's heart had stopped beating and his lady body lay dead inside of me. I screamed in literal terror. It was not grief or pain that first gripped me; it was terror. I felt lost and alone and I did not feel God anywhere near me. I looked ay my husband in horror, and he was overwhelmed with disbelief and the gigantic loss of our child.
it took me awhile to calm down and my doctor held my hand the entire time. She looked me straight in my eyes and said, "Kelli, I know how much you wanted this baby. But look at your beautiful boy. He's healthy and beautiful so we know that everything inside of you works.....then she grabbed my face and with the voice of an angel she said, "AND WE KNOW THAT ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR OUR GOOD"......
There He was. There was my God. Speakiing his word to me even in the midst of my greatest loss.
A d & c was scheduled for that following monday as it was a friday and almost early afternoon by this time. I insisted that my doctor perform the surgery so I was willing to wait until the following week.
In the car the only person I could call was my mother, who sobbed uncontrollably. I sent out a text to all my friends. The only thing I could think to say was, "Our baby is gone. "
Ben and I gripped each others hands the entire way home with tears streaming down our faces. We didnt realize this was only the beginning...........
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