Think..... A Response

On Sunday afternoon, I returned from visiting family out of state for the holidays. I was tired, overloaded mentally, and was starting to feel physically bad as well. My husband took our 2 year old to visit some of his family that we didn't see over the holiday, and I opted to crawl under the covers and pop in a movie. My choice : Autumn Hearts, starring Susan Sarandon. 

I'm a movie buff. Occasionally I enjoy the hysteria of a laugh out loud comedy or a hold on to your seat action flick, but for the most part I am drawn to the drama genre. You know the kind of movie that leaves you breathless or overwhelmed with tears, or thinking so hard afterwards that your brow is folded into a frown? Love those movies. 

Knowing how "fragile" I was after the long drive, I should've known better than to watch this movie. It was a tale of 2 children separated from their families and thrown into concentration camps. Years later they are reunited not only with each other, but also with the older man that protected them during their time in the camps and gave them hope. 

After all the years of torture, heartbreak, and unanswered questions, Susan Sarandon's character is quite scarred. She marries a professor who doesn't necessarily love her, but rather tolerates her and provides for her. She has a son and grandson whom are the loves of her life, but she's so consumed by the hurt of the past that she can not truly live. 

While looking at her life and all the broken pieces that make it up, she stares blankly at herself in the mirror; reflecting on the years passed, the affairs she's certain her husband is having, the love she lost, and the person she has unintentionally become and she says these words.......

If you ask me if I believe in God.....forgive me if I respond, Does God believe in me?"

I gasped out loud. 

It was that moment in the movie when you completely connect with the character, the script, the setting, and the feeling and forget that it's only a movie. 

I have felt this way many times this year. It's quite easy for me to believe in God. I know nothing else. But many times I have felt that God doesn't believe in me. 

This year I have not only lost a child, but held that small fetus in my hands. 

I have wept until my eyes would not open. 

I've been told it's possible I may not be able to conceive a child again. (Although, I do not believe this to be true)

I've dreamed of my sweet son Christian dancing in the arms of Jesus, and while it has brought me happiness to know he is with Jesus, I will never forget that I never had the chance to hear him call me "Mommy".

i've been disappointed this year. 

People who have told me they believed in me and made promises to me have vanished, or conveniently found more important things to do, or younger prodigies to pour into. 

I've been built up to be let down. 

I've felt depression kiss the nape of my neck time and time again, and it's only been God's grace that I have not succumbed to its haunting touch. 

I've been misunderstood. overlooked. and its worn on me. 

I thought on this quote, and I thought of how often our circumstances and feelings tell us that there is no hope, not enough love for us, no place for us, and that we are truly lost without an option to be found. 

Then I read this,

WE HIDE. HE SEEKS. WE BRING SIN. HE BRINGS A SACRIFICE. WE TRY FIG LEAVES. HE BRINGS THE ROBE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS. AND WE ARE LEFT TO SING THE SONG OF A PROPHET:

HE HAS COVERED ME WITH CLOTHES OF SALVATION AND WRAPPED ME WITH A COAT OF GOODNESS. LIKE A BRIDEGROOM DRESSED FOR HIS WEDDING, LIKE A BRIDE DRESSED IN JEWELS.( Isaiah 61:10)

I will not lie and say these words made everything ok. But they gave me hope and a solution for my problem. It is through God's love that I can be restored, healed, forgiven, and enabled to forgive. 

Too often as believers we are made to feel that our problems are not real, our feelings, not valid, our hurt not significantly deep. I have come to find that by feeling and acknowledging my issues, I can in turn acknowledge and realize I have a God who is touched by the feeling of my infirmities, and through His great compassion and unfailing love, I can be whole. 

Thank God .....He believes in me. 

Comments

[Joie]

Oh Kelli,
I had no idea you were hurting so deeply and badly this whole time. Unfortunately, we get pulled in two different directions at church and that makes it difficult. I definitley should have checked up you more, I apologize that I haven't. Please do know that I have still continued to keep you in my prayers over this past year. I should have also physically followed up with you on a regular basis. I'm sorry I have failed in that department. It will change immediately, please forgive me. It certainly wasn't my intent to hurt you, but I am afraid I was one of those people. Ugh! I will be a better friend. I will see you on Sunday. Take Care, and take heart....sometimes we get lost and we have to find our way back, even the friends.
Hugs,
Joie

[Joie]

kelli,
did you get my comment? i do not see it posted.
anyway, i wanted to tell you i didn't realize you were hurting so profoundly and i apologize to you because i feel i am one of those friends that let you down. it of course, was not my intent...but none the less. i will try to do better and be there for ya more, i will try to meet up with you and see how you are doing. sometime (a lot of times) church and responsiblities can take me over and keep me in one section of the church. so i will try harder. please forgive me. i do want you to know i have kept you in my prayers over the past year continually. so i have been true to you spiritually my dear. please take care and take heart. we friends do tend to get off track and we need some reeling in at times. I'm sorry. I will see you on Sunday.
Hugs,
Joie
(I apologize if you got two posts from me, i didn't see my original on post. hopefully, this one does.)

[Kelli]

Oh sweet Joie. I sincerely appreciate your words of kindness. You have been quite supportive and I've never even once thought that you didnt care.
In my post Im kind of vague, but I mean more from a standpoint of a mentor that I really looked up to and have just been completely let down this year by their lack of concern.
I appreciate you taking the time to comment. It meant so much. And although I have had some terribly rough days this year, my good days outweigh my bad days by far. Praise be to God.

[Hazel]

Yes, He does.