Today as I was driving home from work it hit me.
My deepest fear.
It is not failure.
It is not death.
It's abandonment.
Biologically I'm an only child and I think some of the issues I'm challenged with have much to do with that.
Beginning in elementary school, I wanted nothing more than to be popular. Jill, Maggie, Jodi, and a few others were so pretty with their long hair and frilly dresses. I was brown skinned and always wearing braids in my hair. It was my ultimate goal to be accepted by them and in turn be popular.
In high school I had lots of associates, and headed up the student body, but I rarely hung out or was invited many places. I was the most popular outside I've ever known.
My feelings were constantly hurt by girls who claimed to be my friends but never called or spent time with me. My mother became frustrated with me, and told me "You get attached to people too quickly." A harsh but real truth.
When I was 10 my grandmother died of altzheimers and a stroke. She was my biggest fan. She would cook me whatever I wanted. She'd make me stand on her coffee table and dance and sing as she cheered me on.And no matter how big I got she would rock me in her arms and sing to me. I was her Kelli Rose. Nana's Baby. When she died, a part of me died too.
When I was 13 I began dating a guy about 3 years older than me. I wasn't allowed to date, so we snuck around; writing letters through friends, and sometimes meeting up. He was the most gorgeous boy I'd ever known. But he treated me terribly. He called me names, hit me a few times, and flirted with other girls right in front of me. He broke up with me through a letter given to me by someone else.
When I was 23 I was engaged to be married. I went out of town on a ministry trip one weekend, and upon my return found out that my fiance' had married his ex-girlfriend.
When I was 25, I fell in love with a guy that I'd grown up with. He was gentle, kind, caring, romantic, and sweet to me. We lived thousands of miles a part, so we spent every day either texting, emailing, or talking on the phone. The last time he visited me, we had a wonderful time. We talked of marriage and even chose a name for our first born son. The last day of his visit, he kissed me goodbye, and never called me again.
ABANDONMENT.
Throughout my life, different people have walked out for different reasons, and left me holding a bag of questions and emotions. I almost hate letting people into my life, because at every glimpse of turmoil, I'm convinced they'll walk out. I hate inconsistency. It makes me feel inadequate. Unlovable. Not worth the energy or time.
I also realized that this fear has effected my relationship with God. Every time I mess up. Every time I dont do what Im supposed to. Every time. Almost every day. I think God has left me.
Surely he's got other people who love Him better than I do.
They keep His commandments.
They're better stewards over their time and money.
They're more committed to missions, evangelism, and outreach.
Then I read this.....
for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. (Hebrews 13:5)
Im not quite able to grasp that. But I'm clinging to, and repeating it over and over.
I can't see Him.
Sometimes I can't even feel Him.
But I know God is there.
And despite how people may fail me....HE wont, and He'll never leave me.
TODAY, I am grateful for that promise.
This is me, in real life. Kelli
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