Why, Kelli; in real life?

As far as I can tell, there are only a few people that stop through this blog on a regular basis.
By a few , I mean a handful.

That's really ok with me.

I write because it gives me clarity, and if it touches someone else in the process, then wonderful!

For those of you who don't know me personally, my name is Kelli.
I live in Michigan with my husband and toddler son.
I work part time as a child center supervisor.
But my heart's desire is to live a life of ministry driven work and purpose.

I grew up in "church"; gave my life to Christ at the age of 10. But I didn't really come to know him until I went to college, and even more so in the last 5-7 years.

I am a worship leader.
(Just writing that makes me cringe...more on that later)

I am a psalmist.

I am a teacher.

I am a mentor.

I am a songwriter.

I am a worshiper.

I am an intercessor.

I am a lionness; a warrior in battle.

Many people know me as background vocalist singing for the likes of these people....

I absolutely LOVE singing background.
But since having my son in 2006, my travels have slowed down a bit, and I travel much less than I used to.

Last December, I turned 30.
In the days and months leading up to my birthday I felt a huge sense of anticipation. I felt like my turning 30 represented a new walk with Christ, another lever of faith and maturity, and an understanding of my purpose in life.

I had no idea that what was lying ahead of me were the most difficult times and trials I have ever experienced.

One of them being the loss of my 2nd son at 12 weeks gestation, in early March.
I miscarried and delivered here at home.

Amongst other trials, these last 6 months have been extremely stressful and trying for me and my family.

our faith has been tested in ways it has never been before.

After the miscarriage, I took down my myspace page. It was filled with pictures, music, and blogs from my travels and experiences as a background vocalist. I felt that for too long I had hidden behind an "image" that people had of me, and I wanted to be transparent.

God has blessed me with numerous gifts.
But I am not those gifts.
I am a human. A woman.
I struggle daily with doubt, condemnation, trust, and resentment.
I too often hurt those I love the most.
I know the bible well, but I have a hard time applying it to my own life.
I have a hard time believing that God can and does love me amidst my flaws and faults.

This is the real me.

I took this picture about a week after my miscarriage. I had gone to see a movie alone, and afterwards I sat in my car and cried like a baby. I had never been so confused, so hurt, so lost in my life. I felt like the world was caving in on me.
I couldn't talk to my husband about it. I couldnt talk to my parents. My sister was busy and couldn't talk. My friends were all busy with their families and activities.

It was me and God. In my car. In the rain.

And I wept.

Often times, we look through peoples pictures, at their blogs, family videos, or we see them on a stage...and we forget that they are REAL.

My life is real.

The pain I have felt, and am feeling is real.

But you know why I'm still living?

Because so is God.

God is real.

His love is real.

His forgiveness is real.

His peace is real.

His power is real.

God is real.

And one day....one day soon; I'll be able to tell the story of how I got over myself, and believed God.

I'll be able to tell the story of how I went from the battle to victory.

I'll tell you the story of how I went from singing out of desperation to singing out of triumph and release.

This is me.

This is Kelli.....in real life.

Comments

[Jacinda]

What an amazing post for my first one to read of yours! You are so honest and real. I really admire that. I too, would love to get over myself and believe God. I am so sorry for your loss. Not trying to compare your grief to mine, but I also miscarried last October. I found out in my 12th week as well. I really believed I gave it all to God that day in the parking lot, but again, I had never gone through any sort of grieving process before. I really didn't know what I was in for. The months following were beyond tough. I now have a deeper compassion for those who struggle with depression. I always thought, just suck it up. Get happy. I now know it's not always that simple. I will honestly pray for you.
Thank you for visiting my blog. I love that your son calls it the "I need it" My daughter also calls out to her "Paci" with loving affection. She misses it so!

[Kelli]

Thank you so much for your comment Jacinda. I too am sorry for your loss. It's amazing how I could relate to the things you said in your comment. I too have a longing to be more empathetic to people since the miscarriage, and I too I judged those who battled depression. It hurts, but the scripture rings true, "All things WORK together for the good of them that love God and are the called according to His purpose."

You are in my prayers