Kelli. in real life

You Want Fame? Fame Costs....

 I grew up in a somewhat strict Christian home. My father and grandfather were deacons, both grandmothers were active in their respective churches, and my mother sang solos in the choir on a regular basis. There were some strict rules I had to adhere to, but Im thankful my parents allowed me to hear and enjoy many types of music. I grew up on the songs of the Hawkins, Winans, and Clark Sisters...but there was also Motown, Lena Horne, Sarah Vaughn, and Patti LaBelle. 

I remember being over my godmothers house, standing on the heat vent beside one of my older godsisters while the other godsister directed as if we were in a church choir. My grandmother (on my dads side) would tell me to stand on her coffee table, put a broom in my hand and say "Sing for Nana". I almost caused my father to wreck while riding in the backseat of the car and being so overwhelmed by a particular "guitar riff" and the vocalist echoing the riff that I began to cry uncontrollably. I remember the look on Mr Shepherds face in 2nd grade when he asked us to sing a simple line and my "vibrato" was discovered. "Why Kelli Kinney...you are the 1st 2nd grader Ive ever heard sing with perfect pitch and vibrato. You're going to be a star." After school, I'd come home and sit down in front of the record player listening to Whitney Houston over and over and over. I had no idea just who I was "saving all my love for" or why I'd wanna "the feel the heat " with anybody, but...it didnt matter what she sang...it was the VOICE of Whitney Houston that rang in my ears, and brought me to tears. 

 I remember going off to college and singing for the first time at the 1st church I attended in Columbus "Church of Christ" better known as Brettnell. A sister (whose name I cannot recall for anything) grabbed me as I was walking in the sanctuary and said "Baby...you gon be a STAR...a GOSPEL star." Prophecy after Prophecy. Word after word. Sometimes it was almost too much pressure. I didnt have the riffs and runs of the Clark Sisters or the squalls of a Pace Sister or Vanessa Bell. My voice has always been rather plain, and darkly painted...creating the illusion of a dull midnight blue with an occasional sparkle shining through. My best friend would get so angry with me for singing at weddings for free and finally took over my "booking". A woman requested that I sing at her daughters wedding once and told my best friend, "Her voice is amazing. Id rather listen to her than Whitney Houston". My best friend replied..."Then how much would you pay Whitney Houston to sing at your wedding?" That was my 1st paid wedding. $1000 for 1 song. 

Having a gift became a burden at times. When dating I just wanted guys to like me for me. Tomgirlish and all. But I found myself falling for the "preacher type" who often wanted to be with me, and whispered things in my ear like..."I dream of you singing before I preach and ushering in the presence of the Lord. " All I was worth to them...was my voice. 

Some pastors (please dont speculate and read into this) saw me as a gold mine. I remember leading praise and worship for an HOUR once..plowing through cold, tough, defiant spirits..only for the pastor to come in and preach with ease and pay me $100 afterwards, which would bounce in my account almost weekly. 

By the time I was 25...I felt used up. All tuckered out. Vintage. Like something that was once of good value but now tarnished and resembling something that once was. 

At a conference I sang regularly at; I'd been leading worship for 3 days and nights straight and I was exhausted. Just before the prophet came in and to the podium the spirit of worship had rested in the room and the worship team began to sing. My voice was gone, but I stood at my mic anyways and mouthed the words. As the prophet began to preach he called me out and said..."You...you're the one God wants to use. You're the one destined for nations. Destined to change the world and sing before kings and queens. You're the one the demons are scared of. " I remember crying almost hysterically and the people began to rejoice and applaud. The prophet interrupted them and said, "If you only knew how much her voice costs her. All that she will have will not be because of the gift, but because of how much she'll have been through ...and she'll still be standing. "

As I watched the interview Oprah did with Whitney Houston today...those words that were once spoken to me rang out in my mind. 

For years I've known this truth....fame is a deceiver. Fame is like an identity...a costume that you wear for the people. Clothed in your talent, robed in your anointing. People tell you they love you and theyve got your back. but the day you fall...the day you feel like giving up....the day you cant be their savior....they walk out on you. 

I am no Whitney Houston. Not even close. But as she was speaking today I felt the weight of it all. It is a longing fulfilled to be able to be yourself with someone. It is as equally a tragedy when you are expected to subdue who you are, in order to receive that acceptance. 

But I have surrounded myself with true friends that love me far deeper than my talent. I can laugh with them. mess up. be honest with them. and at the end of the day...no matter how normal i am...they still understand and respect the calling of God in my life. 

I will not lie to you. I dont have that drive, that uummmph that some people do to go after "destiny" per say. When you catch a glimpse of your future at times, and you understand the weight and responsibility that comes with it...you take pre caution. I have a family. I have friends. I have a life...that I do not want to be destroyed because of "fame". Ive been abused by so called "mentors" and seen examples of exactly what I SHOULDNT do with the spotlight. I love too hard to be willing to mentor someone else and watch them fall or have a broken heart because of my ill choices. 

In the kingdom...I cannot just sing because I can. If its not effective...if a seed has not been planted...if a chain has not been broken...if a heart has not been mended....if God has not been pleased....then my gift has no purpose. I am not willing to accept the accolades of men while causing a stinch in the nostrils of a Holy God. 

Today my heart went out to Whitney. And Tonex. And Michael who has already gone. 

For at one point some of the same people who built them up...sat on the the front row of their lives and watched intently as the fell down. 

Baby...you want fame? Fame costs. And right here is where you start paying in sweat. ~Debbie Allen

Unfortunately...some pay with their lives

Content.....

This morning started like any other. 

I woke my 3yo and started getting him ready for pre-school. We talked of drums and Thomas the train as he got dressed and brushed his teeth. We then said our prayers, gave one another a big hug, and daddy took him off to preschool. 

Like clockwork my month old baby girl woke up wanting to be fed, and I held her in my arms, rubbed the edge of her hair and whispered, "Good Mornin' Love".

Ironically just as gently as I spoke to her I realized the Spirit of the Lord had sweetly entered the room. I began to pray in my mind; thanking God for waking me up, blessing me with my family, and began to pray for my loved ones and their needs. As I ended I sensed the Spirit of the Lord nudging me. "Ask me". I was not aware of anything I hadnt "asked for", so I simply began to pray for someone I'm concerned about; thinking that perhaps I needed to stand in the gap for them today. Once again I finished praying and sensed the Spirit of the Lord saying again, "Ask me."

Immediately as if watching a series of movie clips, I saw my little girl, my little boy, me dear husband, my sisters, my parents, my grandmother, and others that mean so much to me. I saw us driving here to L.A. just 8.5 weeks ago. I saw my wedding day. I saw my husband and I a few months from now in a church service completely overwhelmed by Gods presence; holding hands lifted in worship; working side by side in ministry. 

The Spirit of the Lord began to deal with me. For the last 2 years I have prayed many prayers and alot o them have come to pass. Here we are living in California, working in ministry together. We've been blessed with a beautiful baby girl (after miscarrying our son last March). We're nowhere close to rich and definitely dont live in our dream home....but we're content. CONTENT. I found myself whispering..."Wow. Im content."

As I began to smile and feel a sense of growth the Lord continued to deal with me. After a few moments of revelation, I finally understood what He was trying to say. 

I'm not a greedy person. I'm not difficult to please. I dont need a lot of hoopla or fabulosity around me to know Im loved, appreciated, or living life. I like hugs. I like cottage/traditional style decorations. I'd rather be in sweats than high heels and a designer suit. Im just very simple. 

One downfall of being simple is that I dont ask for much. This morning the Lord reminded me that just because Im "Blessed" doesnt mean I cant and shouldnt ask for more. The blessing doesnt stop HERE. I am HIS child. I am DESTINED for greatness. I was called before the foundations of the world, and I am blessed to be a blessing. Because I have found a place of contentment that is all the more reason for God to bless me. For instance; my son sometimes gets irritated when he cant have what he wants when he wants it. Last night he showed that he had grown in this area when I asked him to wait and he didnt stomp away or fold his arms, but instead said, "Ok Momma". You know how I responded? I was so pleased that he had learned his lesson that I STOPPED doing what I was doing, and immediately turned on the show he wanted to watch. 

This morning the Lord revealed to me that in the last 2 years I've learned some lessons, and now He CHOOSES to bless me. He knows Im content with most things in my life. He knows there have been some things I desire, but I only kept them in my heart as dreams, and "one days". But today....He took notice, and gently said to me...."Ask me. Ask me what you will."

I encourage those of you today who are comfortable and content with where you are to remember that although we often go through trials and storms; when we've come out and learned certain lessons; God wants to reward us. I challenge you today to believe God for that "dream" or "one day" you've kept locked up. "Ask Him.....ask Him what you will."

7 years in the "D"

This morning as all the last minute things are being packed away and business is being handled, I am quite reflective on the last 7 years I've lived in the Detroit area. 

I was scheduled to move to L.A. when I ministered at a church in Columbus where I used to be the co-minister of music as well as the !st lady's armorbearer. Although I was very comfortable there, I felt the strangest anointing that night. I'd been leading praise and worship for about 2 years, and been through so much in my personal life that I had no choice but to know God in a much more personal way than before. 

I remember that night like it was yesterday. The concert consisted of praise and worship, a all male group called PROVEN, us (Latter Rain), Jonathan Dunn (or J.D. as most of us referred to him as) and Mitchell Jones as the headliner. I'd be lying if I told you I remembered much else after we ministered. When I watch the video I 'm amazed at how much of that night is a blur. God used us in such a mighty way and I began to sing prophetically and prophesy as the spirit of worship filled the house. Once off the stage a wind of praise swept through the sanctuary and we danced and ran and shouted until worship came once again. It was an incredible encounter with Gods presence. 

I remember not being able to shake the feeling that something had changed. To my surprise a young man met in the hallway and said he was so excited to go back and tell his pastor and 1st lady about my ministry. He began to prophesy to me about what God had called me to do, etc, and ended by saying something along the lines of "and the moment your feet touch L.A. you will prosper."

In my mind I thought that was my sure sign that the things I was waiting to fall in place for my move to California would, and Id be on my way as planned 2 weeks later. 

The following week I found myself on a plane to Detroit to minister @ a place called Great Faith Minisitries. I had only heard the pastors name in passing, didnt know much about the church, and was only going for the ministry opportunity. I felt an urgency actually to accept the invitation to come and minister. As the plane was cleared for landing the pilot said, "we are now making our final descent into Detroit".....and as his voice trailed off I sensed the Holy Spirit saying to me, "You're moving to Detroit." My heart began to race. My palms were sweaty, and I was immediately uncomfortable. There was a relationship in California I was in personally, and business wise there were music opportunities that Id already given my word to be a part of. I remember tears began to stream down my face and I whispered, "NO". Again the Holy Spirit nudged me. By the time the plane landed I was in all out tears. I'd been to Detroit many times before and hated it. So I told God; "IF this is where you want me, I need these 3 things." 3 days later those things were in place, and a week later I moved to Detroit to  work in a church I knew nothing about, and for 2 leaders I knew nothing about. I had experienced some SERIOUS church hurt within leadership just the year before; so to make this type of decision and submit to the vision of leaders I didnt know was a big deal. 

I cried EVERY SINGLE DAY for at least a month. Everything in Detroit was foreign to me. The people. The way they did things. The place I lived. I cried daily, but I knew I was in Gods will. 

From the moment I said YES to moving to Detroit, I was in Gods favor. I was here less than a month when I started singing with Deitrick Haddon not only as a part of VOU, but traveling as a background artist. I was here less than 2 months when I met and sang with Twinkie Clark and she told me there was something unique and different not only about my voice by the anointing on my life. I was here less than a year when I started singing for Dr. Dorinda Clark Cole as a background vocalist. I was here less than 3 years when I got married to my husband. I could go on and on about the blessings that overtook me and the many things I learned under Bishop and Dr. Beverly. Detroit changed my life. Detroit made me realize that just because its Gods will doesnt mean its always easy. Gods will sometimes means pressure, tears, sacrifice. But in the end it makes for a better you, and a better understanding of God. 

Yesterday as I was showering, the Lord reminded me that he brought me to Detroit, and just as it has been spoken to me and my husband numerous times California is not only His will, but favor will meet us there. But what I hadnt realized is that when I came to Detroit; I was single. I was young. I was bullheaded. Im still young, and even a bit bullheaded, but now Im married. And because of the honor God places on marriage; the favor we are about to experience is even of a different quality and level than that which I experienced when I came to Detroit. Now Im married with children and Ive passed a few tests I hadnt been through before. 

This transition to California has NOT been easy. We have been tested on every hand. At times we could have easily thrown in the towel. But this one thing never changed. GOD SAID IT! So if He said it; He means it whether its easy or hard. 

Today I am excited about this new ministry opportunity. At night I see glimpses of faces Ive never seen, I hear music I ve never heard, and I know there are great things in store for us. But Im also very sober. realizing it will not be easy to transition at such a pivotal time in our lives. Im 4-6 weeks from having a baby girl with a dr I dont know. I'll be off my feet for at least 6 weeks afterwards b/c of the c section. I wont be surrounded by family like I was when I had my son, and I didnt have to cook or could always count on someone coming over the first few weeks to give me at least an hour to myself. Musically, although Im confident in the gifting God has given both my husband and I; Ive realized we're different. We're not the normal psalmist and minstrel. We love classical music. We love CCM over gospel. We are perfectionists. We dont have to be with the "in crowd" and almost prefer to be somewhat isolated. 

Its not going to be easy and Ill probably cry for a month like I did when I moved to Detroit. But there is no place better and safer than being in Gods will. Even now with the uncertainty of where we're living, my rest, my peace and my confidence is in God. 

7 years + completion. 

Detroit; you have been a place where i can look back in life and say I grew. I was tested. I was lost. I was found. I was blessed. I was let down. I was misunderstood. I was changed. I was favored.  I was celebrated. I was MADE.

Here's to 7 years! ITs been worth it. 

Songs That Pulled Me Through....(song #1)

As a music lover, songwriter, worship leader; it is often music that speaks to me when Im going through a trial. I love Gods word, and more and more I'm appreciating the fact that it is ALIVE! In my personal life one of the ways I've seen it most come to life is through song. 

So I decided to start a series of posts about songs that have literally pulled me through some of my greatest trials and tests of my faith. 

It was early June of 2005 and I was 9 weeks pregnant with my first child. I had gotten married the previous December and was just getting used to juggling my marriage, my activities and responsibilities at church, and my traveling schedule. (At the time I sang with urban gospel recording artist Deitrick Haddon and gospel legend Dorinda Clark Cole.) 

At just 8 weeks pregnant, I began spotting. I was fearful that I was in the process of miscarrying. Much to our surprise, we went to the dr. for an ultrasound and there was son my son; like a little tadpole but with a strong, clear heartbeat. "You're fine" the ultrasound technician told me. I cried tears of joy.

To my surprise, the bleeding didnt stop. I left the next week on a 3 day concert schedule to Vegas, California, and finally Houston with Deitrick and the rest of the camp. By the time we got to Knotts Berry Farm in California, I was bleeding heavily. Between our soundcheck and concert time, I laid in the bed and cried because I was certain I was losing my baby. I didnt tell anyone on the road about what was happening, but I called my husband back home. It was difficult for both of us not knowing what was going on and hoping for the best. 

By the time we got to Houston (the 3rd city in our 4 days stretch) I was exhausted physically and assuming I had lost my baby. Karen Clark Sheard was also on the same "ticket" as us. We connected before the concert and I remember breaking down in tears in her room. "I think I lost the baby." She hugged me and told me if I had, there was nothing I could do but trust God to give me another baby and take care of me in the midst of my sorrow. As I left the room her last words were, "Niece; that baby is fine."

I'd love to say I believed her and walked out of there feeling empowered, but I was convinced of the worst. Once on stage I sang and I moved, but my heart wasn't in it. My heart was breaking and I was consumed by it. Until we got to this song..."GOD DIDNT GIVE UP ON ME". At the time it was a song we didnt sing often. Deitrick's album Crossroads was still a few months from release, so most people were hearing this song for the 1st time. As we began to sing the song, I literally felt like a weight was being pulled off of my shoulders. I love the entire song, but it was once we got to the bridge and vamp that I felt the overwhelming sense of Gods presence. 

"He'll never. No Never. Never let me fall.

When I need you I can call you, call you GOD! GOD! OH! OH!"

Simple words, but out of the sincerity of my heart I felt that as I was calling out to God with the fervency of my heart, He was responding to me with the assurance of His presence. The word was ALIVE. "Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord SHALL BE SAVED!!!!"(Acts 2:21) I called and He answered.

"God didn't give up on me, God didn't give on me. 

When I gave up, He didnt let me go.

When I messed up, He restored my soul.

Oh, it was God, that didnt give up."

I danced and jumped and worshiped and cried, knowing that my baby; in spite of what it looked like, was just fine. January 2006 I was holding my son in my arms as proof that what God promised that day had truly come to pass. 

I heard someone say once that music doesn't save souls. I beg to differ. The power of God is not confined to a sermon, or a particular person. God has a way of reaching his children by whatever means will reach them in the quickest and most effective way. For me its music; and that day this song was my bridge to God to get just what I needed. 

"God Didn't Give Up On Me"

Deitrick Haddon

Crossroads~released Sept 05

Running to you......

Im writing this post from the basement of a place we've only lived 6 months. Honestly, until the last 8-12 weeks its been a very peaceful place to live, and Ive enjoyed some wonderful times here. Lots of space, a nice patio for reading, watching my son play, or having a bbq (which we never got to do.)

today, all our stuff has been packed up and we're moving it into storage. Im saying goodbye to this place, and all the things I loved and hated about being here. Its a rough day emotionally for me.

In April, my husband took a job in California working for a ministry. We've been excited since day ! as God has been preparing us mentally and spiritually to move for almost 2 years. In January 2008 an evangelist told me she saw us moving. She said there was going to be a huge decision coming our way; probably the greatest decision we'd ever make. She said my husband was called to be a great man of faith like Abraham, but he was currently living like Abram. (abrahams name before God chnaged his name). She said this decision would mark the change in his faith and name, and until he walked through this huge door and moved in obedience, he would always be Abram, and I in turn would always be Sarai. (Sarai represents Abrahams wife when she was barren. Unable to conceive and bear a child). In oreder for us to walk into our God given destiny, a change, a decision, a move was inevitable.

So here we are on the cusp of what we believe is a huge change for the better for our family and ministries. Since that time we have received numerous prophecies about moving and changing, and stepping out in faith to do what God has called us to do. We've rejoiced and sowed seeds in faith, believeing that we were walking in Gods will by moving to Caifornia.

Since that time we have faced more resistance and setback than you could imagine. If I started to tell you, I'd remember another thing, and another thing that we've been through until this post would seem like one huge complaint, rather than a cry out to God in faith from right where we are. 2 days before we moved into this place i found out I was pregnant, and just 2 weeks later I was placed on bedrest off and on for the 1st 4 months of pregnancy. That in and of itself was a great test of faith for me as I had just experinced a miscarriage at 3 months pregnant last March. I was frightened, sick, doubtful, and very anxious. It was only Gods presence and constant reminders through the love of friends and family that got me through that time.

Now Im 31 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. My body is in great shape, and Im physically feeling stronger than at any other time in this pregnancy. But my mind and emotions are worn.

Since Im no longer working, we set out to sell my car and other valuable items in order to have the necessary monies for traveling expenses, security deposit, and the initial living expenses of our move to California. The buyer I had for my car backed out 2 days before the sale, my valuables still sit unsold, we still havent secured housing in california, and did I mention Im 31 weeks pregnant?

MANY times we've thought, perhaps this isnt what God wants us to do. And every time, someone randomly sends a card, an email or stops us in the store to tell us we're in Gods will.

So why is it so hard? Isnt Gods perfect will supposed to be easy and peaceful?

As my husband and friends are carrying out pieces of furniture, boxes of clothes and utensils, my heart is heavy. We're moving in with my husbands parents in hopes that things will fall into place sometime this week. It feels like Im homeless, fighting an army of millions, and carrying a weight thats much too heavy for me. But somewhere deep within me, something tells me, breakthrough is just around the corner.

In May I taught at a womens retreat and the Lord gave me a word about breakthrough. A true BREAKTHROUGH is like a BREAK IN. When someone breaks in your home or car, its a VIOLENT entry; almost by any means necessary. They use force, they use strategy, and they do it quickly and suddenly. The Lord told me then THAT is how our breakthrough was going to come. SUDDENLY. BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. VIOLENTLY.

Resitance. uncertainty. lack. questions. I believe God is going to break through all of that and show Himself strong in our life, but for some reason Hes seen fit to take us through somewhat of a desert in order to receive from Him.

At this point, my fears could easily outweigh my hope. Ive cried enough tears to fill a lake at least. But my heart has still determined to reach out to God.

Today, heavy and all Lord....Im running to you. You are my only help, my only shield, my great provider, my refuge and strength. HIde me in your grace. Let your love be so greatly felt in my life until the fear fades away.

Im running to you......

Like a Natural Woman.....

I am so happy about having a big , round belly; being nauseated by the strangest things, taking naps almost EVERY day, and I'm absolutely thrilled to be having a girl.

When I was little my mother dressed me in frilly dresses and perfectly matching shoes and bows. My hair was neatly combed and put in place. I even remember having lots of little purses. But, as fate would have it, I was pretty much a tomgirl. My favorite cousins were boys who taught me how to play tag football, catch worms and fireflies, and play w/ G.I. Joes. By the time I reached middle school I had scars on my knees from rolling in dirt or falling during a neighborhood kickball game or bike race.

Although there was a reason I sometimes hid under baggy clothes that didnt enhance my figure, this post isn't about what I've been through, but rather what I've become and am becoming.

I've always loved that my husband thinkgs Im just as hot in cropped sweat pants and a tank top, as I am wearing a Sunday suit with my face and hair all done up. He makes me feel very comforable about my natural beauty.

But no experience, no eyeliner, no massage, no hand bag (well...I dunno I love handbags), no Jones New York or Kasper suit (um........I love suits), no total makeover, has ever made me feel more like a woman than pregnancy has; especially this one. With my first pregnancy I had only been married 3 months before getting pregnant and I was so clueless as to many of the changes that were happening in my life, let alone my body. But now, after 4.5 years of marriage and having a 3 year old son, and having experienced a miscarriage; this pregnancy is like a ray of sunshine. When I put my clothes on; whether they be sweats or skirts, and I see that round bump that has overtaken my normal sized belly (well sort of normal ..lol) I cant help but smile.

Every day I feel this little girl kicking and moving, and I talk to her and tell her how  happy I am to be her mommy. I tell her that I havent always been the "Kelli" I am now, but I pray my mistakes and fears are things I can one day tell her about. I tell her I'm so thankful to God for giving me a chance to have a little girl of my own, to watch grow into a little lady; whether its when she's 5 , 15, or 25. I tell her that she's beautiful, and being her mommy makes me feel beautiful.

By the end of this summer, I'll be holding this healthy, beautiful ,(big) girl in my arms, and she'll no longer just be a face I dream about. I'll be able to brush my finger across her cheek every day and feel beautiful just because she's mine.

Carys.....being your mommy makes me feel like a natural woman......