Kelli. in real life

Songs That Pulled Me Through....(song #1)

As a music lover, songwriter, worship leader; it is often music that speaks to me when Im going through a trial. I love Gods word, and more and more I'm appreciating the fact that it is ALIVE! In my personal life one of the ways I've seen it most come to life is through song. 

So I decided to start a series of posts about songs that have literally pulled me through some of my greatest trials and tests of my faith. 

It was early June of 2005 and I was 9 weeks pregnant with my first child. I had gotten married the previous December and was just getting used to juggling my marriage, my activities and responsibilities at church, and my traveling schedule. (At the time I sang with urban gospel recording artist Deitrick Haddon and gospel legend Dorinda Clark Cole.) 

At just 8 weeks pregnant, I began spotting. I was fearful that I was in the process of miscarrying. Much to our surprise, we went to the dr. for an ultrasound and there was son my son; like a little tadpole but with a strong, clear heartbeat. "You're fine" the ultrasound technician told me. I cried tears of joy.

To my surprise, the bleeding didnt stop. I left the next week on a 3 day concert schedule to Vegas, California, and finally Houston with Deitrick and the rest of the camp. By the time we got to Knotts Berry Farm in California, I was bleeding heavily. Between our soundcheck and concert time, I laid in the bed and cried because I was certain I was losing my baby. I didnt tell anyone on the road about what was happening, but I called my husband back home. It was difficult for both of us not knowing what was going on and hoping for the best. 

By the time we got to Houston (the 3rd city in our 4 days stretch) I was exhausted physically and assuming I had lost my baby. Karen Clark Sheard was also on the same "ticket" as us. We connected before the concert and I remember breaking down in tears in her room. "I think I lost the baby." She hugged me and told me if I had, there was nothing I could do but trust God to give me another baby and take care of me in the midst of my sorrow. As I left the room her last words were, "Niece; that baby is fine."

I'd love to say I believed her and walked out of there feeling empowered, but I was convinced of the worst. Once on stage I sang and I moved, but my heart wasn't in it. My heart was breaking and I was consumed by it. Until we got to this song..."GOD DIDNT GIVE UP ON ME". At the time it was a song we didnt sing often. Deitrick's album Crossroads was still a few months from release, so most people were hearing this song for the 1st time. As we began to sing the song, I literally felt like a weight was being pulled off of my shoulders. I love the entire song, but it was once we got to the bridge and vamp that I felt the overwhelming sense of Gods presence. 

"He'll never. No Never. Never let me fall.

When I need you I can call you, call you GOD! GOD! OH! OH!"

Simple words, but out of the sincerity of my heart I felt that as I was calling out to God with the fervency of my heart, He was responding to me with the assurance of His presence. The word was ALIVE. "Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord SHALL BE SAVED!!!!"(Acts 2:21) I called and He answered.

"God didn't give up on me, God didn't give on me. 

When I gave up, He didnt let me go.

When I messed up, He restored my soul.

Oh, it was God, that didnt give up."

I danced and jumped and worshiped and cried, knowing that my baby; in spite of what it looked like, was just fine. January 2006 I was holding my son in my arms as proof that what God promised that day had truly come to pass. 

I heard someone say once that music doesn't save souls. I beg to differ. The power of God is not confined to a sermon, or a particular person. God has a way of reaching his children by whatever means will reach them in the quickest and most effective way. For me its music; and that day this song was my bridge to God to get just what I needed. 

"God Didn't Give Up On Me"

Deitrick Haddon

Crossroads~released Sept 05

Running to you......

Im writing this post from the basement of a place we've only lived 6 months. Honestly, until the last 8-12 weeks its been a very peaceful place to live, and Ive enjoyed some wonderful times here. Lots of space, a nice patio for reading, watching my son play, or having a bbq (which we never got to do.)

today, all our stuff has been packed up and we're moving it into storage. Im saying goodbye to this place, and all the things I loved and hated about being here. Its a rough day emotionally for me.

In April, my husband took a job in California working for a ministry. We've been excited since day ! as God has been preparing us mentally and spiritually to move for almost 2 years. In January 2008 an evangelist told me she saw us moving. She said there was going to be a huge decision coming our way; probably the greatest decision we'd ever make. She said my husband was called to be a great man of faith like Abraham, but he was currently living like Abram. (abrahams name before God chnaged his name). She said this decision would mark the change in his faith and name, and until he walked through this huge door and moved in obedience, he would always be Abram, and I in turn would always be Sarai. (Sarai represents Abrahams wife when she was barren. Unable to conceive and bear a child). In oreder for us to walk into our God given destiny, a change, a decision, a move was inevitable.

So here we are on the cusp of what we believe is a huge change for the better for our family and ministries. Since that time we have received numerous prophecies about moving and changing, and stepping out in faith to do what God has called us to do. We've rejoiced and sowed seeds in faith, believeing that we were walking in Gods will by moving to Caifornia.

Since that time we have faced more resistance and setback than you could imagine. If I started to tell you, I'd remember another thing, and another thing that we've been through until this post would seem like one huge complaint, rather than a cry out to God in faith from right where we are. 2 days before we moved into this place i found out I was pregnant, and just 2 weeks later I was placed on bedrest off and on for the 1st 4 months of pregnancy. That in and of itself was a great test of faith for me as I had just experinced a miscarriage at 3 months pregnant last March. I was frightened, sick, doubtful, and very anxious. It was only Gods presence and constant reminders through the love of friends and family that got me through that time.

Now Im 31 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. My body is in great shape, and Im physically feeling stronger than at any other time in this pregnancy. But my mind and emotions are worn.

Since Im no longer working, we set out to sell my car and other valuable items in order to have the necessary monies for traveling expenses, security deposit, and the initial living expenses of our move to California. The buyer I had for my car backed out 2 days before the sale, my valuables still sit unsold, we still havent secured housing in california, and did I mention Im 31 weeks pregnant?

MANY times we've thought, perhaps this isnt what God wants us to do. And every time, someone randomly sends a card, an email or stops us in the store to tell us we're in Gods will.

So why is it so hard? Isnt Gods perfect will supposed to be easy and peaceful?

As my husband and friends are carrying out pieces of furniture, boxes of clothes and utensils, my heart is heavy. We're moving in with my husbands parents in hopes that things will fall into place sometime this week. It feels like Im homeless, fighting an army of millions, and carrying a weight thats much too heavy for me. But somewhere deep within me, something tells me, breakthrough is just around the corner.

In May I taught at a womens retreat and the Lord gave me a word about breakthrough. A true BREAKTHROUGH is like a BREAK IN. When someone breaks in your home or car, its a VIOLENT entry; almost by any means necessary. They use force, they use strategy, and they do it quickly and suddenly. The Lord told me then THAT is how our breakthrough was going to come. SUDDENLY. BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. VIOLENTLY.

Resitance. uncertainty. lack. questions. I believe God is going to break through all of that and show Himself strong in our life, but for some reason Hes seen fit to take us through somewhat of a desert in order to receive from Him.

At this point, my fears could easily outweigh my hope. Ive cried enough tears to fill a lake at least. But my heart has still determined to reach out to God.

Today, heavy and all Lord....Im running to you. You are my only help, my only shield, my great provider, my refuge and strength. HIde me in your grace. Let your love be so greatly felt in my life until the fear fades away.

Im running to you......

Like a Natural Woman.....

I am so happy about having a big , round belly; being nauseated by the strangest things, taking naps almost EVERY day, and I'm absolutely thrilled to be having a girl.

When I was little my mother dressed me in frilly dresses and perfectly matching shoes and bows. My hair was neatly combed and put in place. I even remember having lots of little purses. But, as fate would have it, I was pretty much a tomgirl. My favorite cousins were boys who taught me how to play tag football, catch worms and fireflies, and play w/ G.I. Joes. By the time I reached middle school I had scars on my knees from rolling in dirt or falling during a neighborhood kickball game or bike race.

Although there was a reason I sometimes hid under baggy clothes that didnt enhance my figure, this post isn't about what I've been through, but rather what I've become and am becoming.

I've always loved that my husband thinkgs Im just as hot in cropped sweat pants and a tank top, as I am wearing a Sunday suit with my face and hair all done up. He makes me feel very comforable about my natural beauty.

But no experience, no eyeliner, no massage, no hand bag (well...I dunno I love handbags), no Jones New York or Kasper suit (um........I love suits), no total makeover, has ever made me feel more like a woman than pregnancy has; especially this one. With my first pregnancy I had only been married 3 months before getting pregnant and I was so clueless as to many of the changes that were happening in my life, let alone my body. But now, after 4.5 years of marriage and having a 3 year old son, and having experienced a miscarriage; this pregnancy is like a ray of sunshine. When I put my clothes on; whether they be sweats or skirts, and I see that round bump that has overtaken my normal sized belly (well sort of normal ..lol) I cant help but smile.

Every day I feel this little girl kicking and moving, and I talk to her and tell her how  happy I am to be her mommy. I tell her that I havent always been the "Kelli" I am now, but I pray my mistakes and fears are things I can one day tell her about. I tell her I'm so thankful to God for giving me a chance to have a little girl of my own, to watch grow into a little lady; whether its when she's 5 , 15, or 25. I tell her that she's beautiful, and being her mommy makes me feel beautiful.

By the end of this summer, I'll be holding this healthy, beautiful ,(big) girl in my arms, and she'll no longer just be a face I dream about. I'll be able to brush my finger across her cheek every day and feel beautiful just because she's mine.

Carys.....being your mommy makes me feel like a natural woman......

Angels and Demons: Afterthoughts

I came back to West Virginia for a few days to sing at a friends wedding and also get some relief from the troubles that have been weighing on my mind. Usually a trip home leaves me feeling inspired and refreshed, but until last night except for meeting old friends for lunch, this trip had left me still feeling weary and even more stressed than when I came. Ive been consumed with the preparations of moving to California. Well, even more honestly; its been the finances that have stressed me out. Breaking our lease here; renting a UHAUL; gas, food, and motel for the 3 day trip; plane ticket for me, security deposit and start up money for once we get there, and on top of all that the emotional challenge of saying goodbye to most everything and everyone I know and love. 

Last night I was feeling especially worn, and was thankful for the opportunity to catch a late movie. As I pulled into the theater parking lot, I gently spoke these words, "Lord speak to me. "

For most people, the request for God to speak to them through or in a movie may seem odd. But for a person like me who often finds inspiration and the "voice" of God in colors, books, movies,billboard signs, and other spontaneous ways, I was hoping that this movie would provide some answers for me. 

I was not disappointed. 

Because I dont want to give the plot away, I'll leave very specific details about the movie out. I'll simply say the movie begins with the pope dying. Whether you're a part of the catholic church or not, we all know that the pope is respected and adored figure; one that Catholic believers everywhere look to as the oracle of God; and see in the image or shadow of Christ. He is a most revered figure. 

But as we all know, when a church is at a point of change; although it should be a "church" of believers mission to seek Gods help and guidance, we often turn to human emotions and motives. This twisted perspective causes a spiraling effect of" popularity contests", "personality campaigns", and ultimately conflict and strife. 

Because this movie is written with such complexity, I imagine viewers could gather a vast amount of opinions and "revelations" after seeing it. Its flat out..AN EXCELLENT MOVIE. 

But for me, I was left staring at the screen with tears streaming down my face. This morning as I write this, tears are still burning my eyes as the revelation God gave me through this movie seems just as real as it was last night. 

We are born into sin and shapened in iniquity. But when we come into the knowledge of Christ we are then given the opportunity to be children of His vision and Kingdom. Its not just about the perks and pluses that come with being a "kings kid", but rather fulfilling the vision of the One who has redeemed us. I was reminded that Christ in all His perfection and ability, made Himself lower than the angels in order to die on the cross for sinner like us. (One of my favorite passages of hope is, "While we were YET sinners, Christ died for US. " ) In this midst of Him dying on the cross,He showed us that the TRUE character of Jesus Christ is one of humility, service, and submission to the will of His father, even if it meant dying to Himself and for the "life" of others. 

So how is it, in this "system" we call the church, that things have been built around our own rules, regulations, and preferences, rather than placing the true VISION of our father at the forefront of our purpose? 

Ultimately, this is what I left with. 

When we as "believers" allow our selfish ambitions to outweigh the ultimate will of God; and in turn hurt his CHURCH (not the system, but the KINGDOM) we are in turn operating in ways that are "anti-christ". When we are so position and personality driven that we cannot accept Gods preference we are exalting our own pride above the plan of the Lord. How dare we sow discord based on the changes and choices our our pastors or leaders make that are GOD choices, rather than accepting that our preference may have little or nothing to do with what God is speaking to our leader(s). How dare we as leaders create pitfalls and "Red Rover-like " alliances against one another when "running" for the same position in the church "system"? Do we not realize that although we may be the "people's choice" we may not be Gods choice? Can we not accept that something we desired so greatly was not in Gods plan, or in His current timing? How dare we covet a position or gifting that Gods chooses to give to one of our fellow servants in Christ when we are not aware of the price paid or mandate on their life in order to fulfill that calling? Do we not realize that God is barely concerned about this "system" we call church, but will FIGHT for the KINGDOM of his church? If you are digging ditches, raging wars, and self promoting and in some fashion "tearing down" His kingdom; believer or not, you are his ENEMY. regardless to what you do in the "name" of Christ; if it is not in line with the CHARACTER and WORD of Christ, all you do is in vain.

As I drove home from the movie, I begin to repent for being so "caught up" in my troubles that I didnt recognize this move is greater than our own personal hopes, dreams, and desires. But ultimately as God has chosen to move us; we are to walk in His plan, His character, and His favor for the literal upbuilding of His kingdom. I apologized for the times when my self ambition overshadowed Gods will and preference, and I in turn hurt one of His children or caused discord..."all in His name". 

This morning I woke up with a renewed sense of willingness to be used for Gods Kingdom. With passion, I can say, "Not my will, but His will be done".

I can only close with the words a Catholic bishop spoke (in the movie) just before the new pope was revealed to the people. "Religion is fraud. Man is fraud. I am fraud. Only God is real". May we be reminded that this "system" of church will one day pass away. But Gods "CHURCH" ; his Kingdom and bride, will always be.

The Simple Things

Lately, I've been realizing just how much I take for granted. My husband and I are preparing to move our family across the country to fulfill a piece of our destiny, and the tedious tasks of moving, planning, and preparing have been somewhat overwhelming. 

as I was walking out of the grocery store today, I realized I didnt hesitate when I got to the check out line. I simply put my things on the belt and waited for the total; knowing the money would be there. 

While pushing the cart to the car I grabbed my sons hand, and we began to thank God for our groceries. we thanked God for Daddy's job and mommys "little" job that helps us get groceries and pay bills. We prayed for people in this word who dont have money or jobs or food. 

It was then I realized I need to thank God for things I take for granted. 

The sun is shining today. Thank you God. 

Our home has running water. Thank you God. 

My son is a healthy child. Thank you God. 

I have a husband who loves the Lord, loves me, and doesnt verbally or physically abuse me. Thank you God. 

I have all 5 senses. Thank you God. 

Both of my parents are still living and in good health. Thank you God. 

I can read. Thank you God.

I have never seen my father hit my mother or hear him curse at her. Thank you God. 

I can walk. Thank you God. 

I have a voice. Because talking and singing come easy to me, I often dont even think of what it would be like not to be able to speak or sing. Thank you God. 

I know Jesus. Thank you God. 

this list could go on an on and on, but Im so thankful for LIFE today. In spite of what I dont have, Im extremely blessed, and way too often its the "simple things" that I have or experience that I dont stop to say thank you for. 

Have you told the Lord thank you today?

Casting Call

I've got some good friends.

No.

Scratch that. 

I've got some fantastic sisters that God has blessed me with. 

Although by husband is my best friend there are times when I need "girl talk" from someone who is moody, silly, determined, and loves God just like me. 

Thats where my sisters come in. 

At any given time I can call any one of them and vent, ask for advice, or just chit chat. (im a conversationalist so I enjoy ...well, conversation)

But sometimes I am so overwhelmed with emotions and questions that the only one I can call on is GOD. 

Pregnancy hormones. 

Decisions. 

Finances.

the weighty call of God on my life. 

did I mention decisions?

a husband to support and care for. 

children to support and care for. 

did I mention finances?

young ladies to mentor and be an example for. 

family and friends.

It can get a little heavy for a pregnant wife, mommy, intercessor, psalmist, mentor, and friend at times. 

this morning I was awakened around 545 ( as I usually am...for a potty break of course). I couldnt go back to sleep so I got out of the bed and began to pray. The weight of all the things on my mind brought tears to my eyes, and what began in thanksgiving quickly became a plea for Gods intervention. It was then that a familiar scripture came to my mind. 

"CASTING ALL YOUR CARE UPON FOR HIM; FOR HE CARETH FOR YOU " 1 Peter 5:7

Although I know the scripture well I looked up other versions of this verse to really grasp what God was saying to me.  "THROW all your worry on Him (International Standard version) " was the version that really grabbed my attention. Too often I may refrain from praying about my situations repeatedly because I dont want to put "too much" on God. But here He was reminding me that He wants me to come to him with my worries, fear, and anxiety and literally THROW them on Him...knowing that HE CARES FOR ME.

Maybe you're like me. Maybe at times you've got so much on your plate or on your mind that you sometimes feel overwhelmed. 

My friend, this is a CASTING CALL. Calling all those who are heavy laden. Cast, THROW all your cares on HIM. 

At the end of the day the pressure may still be there, your to do list may not be completed, but I guarantee you'll feel a release knowing that there is a God who is more than capable of handling your problems. Why? Simply because HE CARES.